


Here We Go Again (and Again)

by Kenabee



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, F/F, Soccer AU, USWNT, long term love, slight AU, uswnt au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-07-25 08:29:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20022421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenabee/pseuds/Kenabee
Summary: Tobin and Christen have known each other since they were 14, roommates at a national youth soccer camp. Now college is starting and it’s the first time they don’t have an entire month in the summer to see each other. Still, they get to play against each other, and they text almost every day, and maybe, maybe someday the stars will align just right for them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So my girlfriend and I really love soccer (we met playing in college) and while I normally am very opposed to writing about real people, she asked and I’m whipped. It was supposed to be only a couple thousand words but then I got into it so I have no idea how long this is going to be. English is my second language so if you see grammar mistakes let me know!

It’s very hard for Christen to separate _soccer_ and  _ Tobin  _ in  her mind. The two have been synonymous for almost five years now, ever since the met at a U14 camp and Tobin helped her learn to execute a rainbow perfectly (well, as perfectly as a 13 year old can). 

They live across the country, Tobin in New Jersey and Christen in California, but every summer they come together and every summer Tobin works her way back into Christen’s heart. Except last summer was their last because 18 means college and 18 means they won’t see each other at camps and 18 means they don’t have an excuse to meet in the middle of nowhere and finagle their way into being roommates. 

Christen committed to Stanford the moment the offer was on the table, barely even pausing to consider anything else. Tobin called her a week later, and screamed to her about UNC and really everything was okay, they were okay, and happy for each other. 

Except now it’s almost August and Christen can feel this odd, gaping hole in her chest because even if she only sees Tobin for a month once a year she’s almost the most important person in her life (besides her family, obviously) and this is the first time since she was 14 that Tobin hasn’t almost killed her by nutmegging her in the middle of the night as they walk to a 24 hour diner. 

But Christen prides herself on her ability to think rationally, even if all she wants to do is convince her parents to buy her a ticket to New Jersey. Instead, she lets herself cry for no less than an hour (it’s more like three) and then buck up and drive to the beach. She takes the dogs, because when she opens the car door they’re already trying to jump in, and she spends the rest of the evening, some random July night, kicking her soccer ball and trying not to think of Tobin. (Which is redundant seeing as Tobin gave her this specific ball). 

~~~

Across the country Tobin Powell Heath is not crying. Definitely not crying at all, because Tobin doesn’t cry and especially not over something so silly as missing soccer camp. Or the people at soccer camps. Or any person at all. Tobin is not crying. 

Instead she is at the park, kicking a soccer ball against the brick wall the city decided was some kind of “modern art” exhibit that needed to be on the edge of the grass. She practices her aim, and after a while she tries to beat her juggling record (even if she can’t see very clearly through her tears). 

She makes it to 75 before she starts feeling tired and stops, rubs her sweater against her eyes and grabs the ball to head home. Her mother says nothing, but gives her a sympathetic smile as she walks in, head down and face blotchy. Tobin smiles back at her but quickly escapes to her room, before she does something stupid like ask for a plane ticket to California. 

The UNC letter tacked up on her wall, practically stares her down with its soft blue seal. She’s happy, happier than she thought she’d be, and usually when she looks at the letter she feels nothing but  pride and  excitement . Right now though, she almost wants to dig out her rejection letter to Stanford, just to let herself wallow some more and maybe regret her choices a little.

(She doesn’t regret her choice, but she does briefly wish she was still seventeen and still at camp and nutmegging Christen in the middle of the night just to see her cheeks turn red and angry.)

~~~

They don’t see each other until early October, and when they do it’s on opposite sides of the field, for the first time since they were 15 and the coaches realised separating them was just asking for trouble. But they’re older now, and even though Christen is aching to run straight to her (stopping herself with a reminder that this is a real game, not camp), she settles for winking at Tobin once they take their places on the pitch.

(If Tobin gets a slightly late start, only a little stumble really, its just because the grass is unfamiliar to her.)

It’s the first time all year Christen lets herself enjoy the game, letting herself feel the grass and the ball through her boots and ignoring the pressures of the Stanford crowd or the idea of her parents watching. She sinks the ball in the 34th minute, and before she knows it’s she’s on the ground, Kelley pinning her and Mal running from the right side of the field to dive next to them. She hears their shouts but her head turns left, outside and away, where she sees Tobin give her a thumbs up as she walks past, towards her other teammates. That more than anything makes Christen beam at the sky above her. 

The game ends 2-1, Mal making the game point with a nutmeg even Tobin would be jealous of, and Christen finds herself buried under her teammates as they cheer around her. The game doesn’t actually mean anything, just a “friendly” before the championship rounds start, but it tastes like heaven to Christen anyways. 

When they disperse, half the team heading to the sidelines and coaches, Christen turns to slap hands with the other team. Most of them are friendly, passing on “good game” and “congrats,” but when she reaches Tobin and their hands touch Christen feels like she’s taking her first drinking of water after the game. Tobin pulls her away, out of the line, and the hug is too tight and too long and just perfect. 

“Hi Chris.” Tobin breathes into her neck, and Christen has to fight both a shiver and a blush form spreading through her. 

“Hi Tobs.” She says, squeezing just a little harder, before finally pulling back. They’re both grinning, smiling big and almost painful. “How long are you here for?” 

“We leave at noon tomorrow.”

“Oh good!” Christen says, and then flushes at the eagerness in her voice, but moves on quickly, “I know there’s going to be a celebratory party tonight, if you want to come, but if not do you want to get coffee in the morning?”

“We could do both? I have to sneak out of our hotel though.” Tobin pretends to whisper, even though they’re far enough away nobody else could hear them. Christen laughs anyways, and nods furiously. 

“I’d like th-“ she’s cut off by one of her coach’s whistles, and cringes as she turns to see half her teammates either glaring or waving obnoxiously at her. “Gotta go, text me okay?” She says with one last hug to Tobin, before backing away. Tobin only nods before turning to her own teammates. 

Back in the locker room Christen tries to step away from Kelley’s smirk, but their lockers are next to each other and escaping that look probably wasn’t ever going to be an option. 

“So who was that?” Kelley asks, the suggestion in her voice making Christen blush. 

“My friend Tobin, we used to go to national youth camps together.” She says, hopes that’ll be enough for Kelley. 

“Hmmm.” Kelley says, but thankfully Sarah comes in then, and jumps on Kelley’s back, making her stumble into the wall and almost fall. 

Sarah starts singing some song about winning, and Kelley joins her after a moment. Neither can sing, and the horrible tone of both their voices together is a great excuse for Christen to disappear into the showers. 

Once she’s out and her hair has been semi dried and straightened, she checks her phone to see a few texts from Tobin. 

** Tobs: sneaking out in an hour, bringing a friend **

** Tobs: I think she knows your teammate Kelley?  **

** Tobs: address? **

** Christen: 555 W Creekbin 90047 **

** Christen: not that you would, but don’t wear heels **

** Tobs: as if I own heels **

~~~

Tobin has to say, if nothing else Stanford does at least have some high quality liquor at their parties. She’s grown used to seeing cheap vodkas and tequilas, but this counter is spread full of whiskeys and top shelf vodkas that she doesn’t even want to know how much they cost. 

Alex is already on her second vodka cranberry, while Tobin nurses a lukewarm (read: not good) beer from a keg in the back. Alex is talking to some guy with blue eyes a nose way to big for his face, but at least Alex seems interested in the conversation.

Tobin is still scanning the room, marvelling a bit over the lack of walls and ability to see  everything from the kitchen, as she scans for Chris. She knew they’d get there before her, has known Chris’s post game ritual for years now, but she still thought she timed it better than this. It’s been almost 30 minutes and she has yet to catch a glimpse of her or receive a text.

She’s about to give up, maybe try to join Alex’s weird psychology conversation, when she suddenly has arms wrapped around her middle and Alex is almost being tackled right in front of her. Then Alex and (what she assumes is) Kelley are screaming at each other and the poor guy is awkwardly leaving the kitchen as Tobin turns to face Christen, who’s arms stay around her waist. 

“Hi.” Chris breaths, and Tobin swear she can taste vanilla chapstick just from her breath. She goes still, trying hard not to lean any close to Christen, who’s forehead is barely an inch away. 

“Hi.” She manages to get out, voice a little too breathy, but Chris doesn’t seem to notice, instead just pulls back, looping her left arm through Tobin’s right and turning them to face Alex and Kelley. 

“I told you I knew her.” Alex says, all smug like Tobin had ever actually argued with her about it. She just raises and eyebrow and Alex scoffs before turning to Christen with a raised eyebrow of her own. “Sooo, you’re the infamous Chris.”

“Does that make you Tobin?” Kelley says, laughing as both she and Chris’s cheeks turn red and avoid looking at each other, glaring at their friends instead. 

“You’re right, she is cute.” Alex says, and that launches Kelley into a fit of giggles while Tobin groans. 

“Outside?” Chris whispers in her ear, and Tobin furiously nods before grabbing her hand and pulling her away without a word to the other girls. 

The backyard is more crowded than expected, but they manage to find a spot towards the side of the house where guys aren’t using it as a bathroom. 

“Your goal was amazing.”

“Your assist was amazing!” Chris responds enthusiastically, making Tobin’s smile just a little bit softer and happier. Their hands are still clasped together. 

“I’ve missed you.” Tobin breathes out, and she tries not to get her hopes up at the way Chris turns just a little bit pink. 

“I’ve missed you too. Summer was weird, I felt like I was missing something without you- without you and camp I mean.” She coughs awkwardly at the end, and it makes Tobin grin even more. They chat for a bit more, Chris moving on quickly to talk about school and soccer. Tobin follows her lead, but can’t help the giant smile every time she looks at her. 

Suddenly there’s yelling, and then Alex and Kelley are in front of them. Someone shouts cops, and even though it’s hilarious and stupid, everyone decides they need to run from the sides of the house. Tobin loses Christen and Alex briefly, somehow ends up with Kelley, but they find their way back to each other on the next street with the dispersing crowd. Christen is flushed and jittery, and Tobin puts her arm around her without a thought, trying not to feel smug when her nerves seem to instantly calm and Christen relaxes into her. 

They split up at a main street, Tobin and Alex recognising the street as only a few blocks from their hotel. Even though they’ll see each other in the morning, Tobin still hugs Chris a little too long, and has to suffer Alex’s teasing did the rest of their walk. 

~~~

Coffee ends up cancelled, because somehow Tobin’s coach finds out about the party and grounds them to the hotel until they leave for the airport. Christen pretends she’s not upset, and doubles her yoga and meditation exercise once she’s actually up. Kelley tries to tease her, but must see her actual sadness and leaves it alone after a moment. In return, Christen only makes a  few comments about Sarah coming over after the party. 

** Chris: I’ll miss you **

** Tobs: I’ll miss you more **

~~~

The phone calls started when they’re were 16, but they’re more frequent now. Tobin calls before Chris’s games and Chris calls after Tobin’s and they both call each other on Tuesdays nights. Sometimes they talk for a few minutes and sometimes they wake up with their phones on the pillow still on the call together. 

Neither admits it but Tuesdays become both of their favourite days, if only because they both know it’s their day. Their day for each other. 

~~~

They don’t see each other again until December, almost close to Christmas break, and Tobin wishes it was closer so she could tell Christen to just stay there. Wishes finals were over and it was break and she could tell Christen she wants her to come to New Jersey. 

The game is brutal, raining and if Tobin was a more dramatic person she would liken it to some kind of medieval battle what with the sheer amount of yellow cards and bruising everyone seems to be sporting. Just after halftime Allie finally scores a goal, but it’s taken away by offsides. Everyone seems to know, even the Stanford players, that it’s a bad call, but they still take away the goal and the aggressiveness seems to triple. 

Tobin finds herself on her back almost as much as her feet, and when she’s hit cleat to knee she goes down hard with a groan. The Stanford player stops as the whistle blows and Tobin can hear her apologising but her knee is on fire so she just nods and lets herself stay down. 

A few seconds later three things happen: first she sees the Stanford player pulled away by the ref, then Alex is there tapping her shoulder but not coming too close. Then, there’s Chris, who kneels down and is holding Tobin’s hand so tight it almost distracts her from the pain. The medic checks her out quickly, and then he and Chris are pulling her off the field. The ref blows the whistle at Chris, who hesitates until Tobin gives her a small thumbs up, and she runs back onto the field. 

Tobin is back in barely two minutes later, her knee only slightly aching, and the game is significantly less aggressive as both teams seem to tire. Alex scores, and Tobin tries not to jump in excitement on her tender knee, but can’t help throwing her arms around her teammates. Tobin looks for Christen, but she’s too distracted patting Kelley’s back to see her, and for a minute she feels an odd mix of anger and sadness at it. 

The game ends 1-0, and Tobin’s team celebrates by running quickly to the locker room. Tobin hesitates until she’s last, behind even the coaches, but she manages to see Christen wave a thumbs up from across the rainy field; and it makes her feel that much better. 

An hour later the team is filing out and Tobin finally remembers to pull her phone out. 

** Mom: proud of you! **

** Dad:  🎉 **

** Chris: we’re leaving tonight **

** Tobs: noooo **

** Chris: I hate losing, but at least it was to you **

** Tobs: miss you **

** Chris: miss you more **

~~~

“So, is that Tobin?” Channing asks, and Christen has to fight the wild urge to sit on her phone or hide it somewhere. Channing smirks at her though like she knows what she’s thinking, face lit up by the overly decorated Christmas tree and fireplace. 

“Yeah, and Kelley.” She says, wishing her voice didn’t sound so high pitched. 

“Sure, but I bet the smile is for Tobin, not Kelley.” 

“Shut up Chan.” Christen turns red, but thankfully Channing just laughs and walks away. Christen is just thinking she’s off the hook when her dad sits down with a small smile on his face. 

“So, how is Tobin?” He says, wiggling one eyebrow, and Christen groans as her whole family laughs. Channing and her mom are smirking while her dad pats her shoulder while still wiggling his eyebrow. 

She stands up then and walks up the stairs with a barely muttered “goodnight”while everyone laughs again. Once in her room she’s dialling without really thinking about it, falling on her bed as it rings. 

“Hello?” A groggy voice answers, and Christen flicks her eyes to the clock. 

“Shit sorry, it’s almost midnight there go back to sleep.”

“No, Chris I’m good, everything okay?”

“Yeah,” she breathes in relief, “I just miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Tobin immediately responds, and Christen wishes she could explain how that makes her both happy and sad, how she wishes she could just listen to Tobin breath for a while and pretend they were next each other. 

They’ve been teetering for years, ever since Christen blurted our she thought she might be gay when they were seventeen and she was worried she would never see Tobin again. Tobin had been shocked to say the least, but had hugged her immediately and kissed her head. Chris had already known about Tobin’s girlfriend at the time, some volleyball player at her high school, so it wasn’t some ploy to get Tobin interested, but it also wasn’t not a way of telling Tobin she could be interested. If they saw each other more than one month a year, if the stars could actually align just right for them. 

(She tries not to feel guilty that she was so happy when Tobin and the volleyball player broke up a few weeks later and Tobin started calling every once in a while instead of just texting)

“Chris? You still there?” Tobin says, voice low and sleepy, and sounding like heaven to Christen. 

“Yeah, I’m here. Can you just, stay?” She says, not really sure what she’s asking but hoping Tobin will understand anyways. 

“I’m going to fall asleep on you, but I’ll stay on the phone.” She responds after a few seconds, and Christen breathes in relief because yes, thats what she wanted even if she didn’t know. 

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, Chris.”

~~~

Tobin comes back in the spring with her knee fully healed and a newfound resolve to let Alex set her up with someone. She’s been pushing it for months, ever since the Stanford party really, and until Christmas Tobin wasn’t really sure why she kept saying no. 

But now she does, and the idea that Tobin, carefree and easy going Tobin, was wrapped up in a girl across the country had sent her panicking in a way she hadn’t experienced since she was ten and a coach tried it put her in goal. She comes back to school, pushes herself into classes, and off season practice, in a way that makes even Becky raise her eyebrows. 

Tobin doesn’t tell anyone, even Alex, but sometimes she bails on team bonding and practices just to listen to Christen breathe on the other side of the phone. Alex almost catches her once, but luckily Chris is already asleep and Tobin hangs up without feeling too guilty. 

She goes on a date in early February, and the girl, Maddie, is sweet. She student manages the boys basketball team and is nearly as busy as Tobin, which would normally mean they never see each other, but their schedules actually happen to match perfectly. Tobin likes her enough, which is to say she’s a great kisser and doesn’t mind that Tobin can’t seem to commit to anything.

She still talks to Christen once a week, almost always falling asleep on the phone with her, and sometimes when they’re on the phone she forgets to respond to Maddie’s messages. Sometimes she might pick Netflix binging with Christen on FaceTime over hanging out with her almost girlfriend. She hates herself a little bit for it, but can’t seem to make herself actually stop. Christen is like an addiction, and every time she makes her smile or laugh, she can feel herself slipping down the slope more. 

It’s not until April, when Maddie introduces her as “my girlfriend” and then starts posting pictures of them on Instagram, that Tobin realises she might be a bad person. Christen doesn’t ask, but Maddie’s Instagram is public and when Chris stops calling so much, stops responding so fast, Tobin has to wonder if she’s seen them. 

It’s almost May, two weeks after Maddie posts “happy with this one” and a picture of her kissing Tobin, that Tobin really realises she’s made a mistake. Christen hasn’t texted her back in a week, and they haven’t spoken on the phone in almost three. She doesn’t know what to do, but when the notification “christenpress posted a picture” comes up and she can’t help that she immediately opens it, even though she’s at a game with Maddie, on what is supposed to be a date. 

The picture is of Christen, but there’s a girl with her arms around Christen’s waist, smiling up at her, and Chris is kissing her temple. It makes Tobin’s heart stop in her chest and she feels like she can’t breath until she finally reads the caption. 

“Teammates like these are the reason I keep playing (also the reason I keep eating bad foods!)”

Something like relief fills Tobin’s chest, and suddenly she can’t be next to Maddie and can’t be going out with Maddie and can’t be with Maddie anymore. She turns to her abruptly, only for Maddie to already be looking at her, confusion in her eyes. 

“We need to talk.” Tobin says, and Maddie’s eyes steel up so suddenly that Tobin can already feel the sting of tears and guilt in the back of her nose. 

~~~

“Tobin?” Christen answers, trying to leave the party quick enough and not spill the drink in her hand at the same time. There’s a sob through the phone, so Chris drops the cup without a care, pushing more aggressively through the crowd. “Tobin are you okay?” 

“No.” Is the only thing she hears before she’s finally outside. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Tobin says through a sob, “I’m such a bad person Chris and I don’t know how to stop it.”

“Tobs, you’re not a bad person, you’re one of the best people I know.” Christen has no idea what’s going on, but all she can feel is her own heart breaking for her best friend. 

“Chris, I can’t do this anymore.” Her crying suddenly stops and all that’s left is heavy breathing. 

“Can’t do what anymore Tobs?”

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t be yours anymore.” Her breathing is fast and hard now, and Christen is clutching her phone to her face, probably hard enough to break it. 

“Tobin I don’t understand.” Her voice cracks, so she tries to clear her throat and not to cry, not until she can understand. 

“I love you.” It’s breathed out on a sigh and Christen freezes, heart racing, because it’s different than a best friend I love you, it sounds so different. “I love you and you live across the country and I can’t talk to you anymore.”

The line goes dead and Christen blinks at her blank phone for a minute before the tears finally start to fall. She tries to call Tobin back,it it goes to voicemail at the second ring. She walks home, forgetting to tell Kelley or Mal that she left, and crawls into bed too numb to even change out of her clothes. 

Christen hears the door open, what could be hours or minutes later, Kelley coming in, and poking her head through the door. Christen doesn’t even pretend to be asleep, or that she hasn’t been crying for hours. 

“Hey honey, what happened?” She asks in a soft voice, and that’s all it takes for her to break down again. Kelley slides into bed and rubs patterns on her back, until Christen eventually comes down. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Tobin-“ she chokes on the name, “Tobin doesn’t want me anymore.Doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“What?” Kelley asks, almost sitting up, voice full of disbelief and anger. Christen just pulls her back down to cuddle and slowly explains what happened while her tears dry. 

“But, you love her too?” Kelley asks, but it’s not really a question. 

“She doesn’t care.” Is the last thing Christen gets out before she finally falls asleep just from exhaustion. 

~~~

** Kelley O’hara: I hope you know you really fucked up **

** Tobin Heath: I need to move on **

** Kelley O’hara: you’re an idiot **


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen has a girlfriend (briefly), Tobin gets called up to the national team, and a drunken phone call ruins things all over again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to tell my gf I was posting this so she called me at 6 am to yell in my ear. 
> 
> About 70% of this is inspired by actual history, but the other 30% is me deciding to ignore what has really happened in real life and making my own story. Again, grammar mistakes? Let me know?

* * *

Christen comes back for the fall of sophomore year with three new important things: a haircut, a new drive for soccer, and a girlfriend. She doesn’t know it, but Kelley and Emily rank those things in that order for a reason, and when she and Julie break up a month into the semester she’s grateful they say nothing about it again. 

She and Julie remain friends, and it’s easy to walk to class with her and get coffee once a month. Julie was sweet and kind, but Julie is still in love with her ex and when she found out about Tobin it was too easy for them to call it quits. But it turns out they make much better friends, and Julie fits in easily with Mal and Sarah when they all accidentally meet at the coffee shop on campus. 

The season is a good one, Kelley a junior, Chris a sophomore, and both finally playing almost full 90s. It almost (not really) slips her mind that their first November game is against UNC, and if she really tries Chris can almost (not really) forget that Tobin will be there and that they haven’t talked since May. 

Game day is busy, it’s a home game, and Chris isn’t excused from her first class, so she still has to take notes on environmental psychology and pretend her nerves aren’t completely overtaking her body. Her left hand is shaking as she walks out of class, and she finds herself heading to the stadium hours before call. 

She sits in the locker room for a minute, arms on her knees and head down, before taking a few calming breaths and grabbing a ball. She’s on the field moments later, shoes off and soccer ball in front of her bare feet. She barely dribbles, just until she’s in the middle of the field, and then she just stares at the ball, eventually sitting next to it, knees up head in hands. 

She feels like crying or screaming or some mix of the two, but then there’s distant shouts and whooping from the left, and a throat clearing from her right. She looks right to see her coach staring at her, and has to stop herself from looking left, already knowing (dreading) who the shouts are coming from. Christen grabs the ball and runs over, sweeping up her shoes up on the way, and doesn’t look back once. 

“Sorry coach.”

“It’s not a problem Press.” He says and ushers her to the locker room, where some of the other early girls are getting ready. Kelley throws an arm around her as she walks in and starts up a story about megging Sarah that has Christen laughing so hard she almost can’t breathe. It’s more relief than she expects to feel, being surround by her teammates, and she welcomes it. 

~~~

The Bruins are in high spirits for the day, the plane ride the night before had been quick, no layovers, and most of the girls went to bed early. Tobin and Alex decidedly did not go to bed early, and instead they’re drowsily following a pack of their whooping teammates through the tunnel into the Stanford stadium to look at the field. 

Alex stops suddenly, and Tobin gets pulled back awkwardly for a second by the hand on her arm before looking out where Alex is staring. Across the field she can see someone scooping up a pair of shoes and walking to the other tunnel, and before she can think she’s opening her mouth to shout... something. 

Her jaw shuts and she cringes at Alex who’s looking at her with sympathy. She shakes her head and turns around, back to the visitors locker room. She ends up sitting, hands on her knees while she steadies her breathing before she shakes her head and goes back out to the field. 

They walk the field a few times, letting the freshmen get a feel for it, and letting the older girls stretch, before they head into the locker room to change. Tobin is already in her warm up gear, but she follows anyways, just in case the Stanford team comes out. She isn’t ready just yet, but with her teammates by her side she can pretend to be. 

Warm ups are easy, she faces the stadium seats and ignores the other team as much as she can. Becky and Alex say hello to Kelley when she walks over, but Tobin knows better than to try talking to her. If the way Kelley glares when they accidentally make eye contact is any indication, it‘s a good choice. 

Tobin doesn’t start, which means she sits on the bench and has to watch the first half with studious eyes. For awhile it’s easy, for almost 30 minutes the forwards play strong and hard, and keep Stanford’s defenders on their toes, until there’s a sudden dive from Kelley, interrupting a pass as it sails straight to Christen’s foot. Tobin’s breath catches as Christen spins, effectively hoarding the ball and sprinting towards the other side. Nobody was expecting it, and she manages a perfect shot to the upper left corner. Amy dives, but she’s too late. 

Tobin has to bite her tongue to keep from cheering, because the goal was amazing and it’s Christen, but a pinch form Becky beside her settles her down. Unfortunately from then on Tobin can barely focus, every time Christen moves her eyes snap to her, and she misses an entire play by Alex, completely unsure what she’s cheering for, just following Becky’s lead. 

At half coach subs her in, Bailey’s ankle twinging after a hard foul, and Tobin tries her best to tell herself to focus. It helps that Alex is there, gripping her shoulder and winking as they walk into the field. 

Tobin avoids coming too close to Christen, which isn’t very hard as the ball stays mostly between Alex and Kelley on the right side, until there’s a wild pass and both she and Christen are running for it at midfield. Chris gets there first, because she’s always been faster, but Tobin catches up quick. They move nowhere, both trying to but unable to get past the other, and eventually Christen does a back pass to Kelley. Tobin fades back, quickly towards their own goal, and tries to ignore the way Chris and Kelley work so well together, seamless in a way Tobin has only ever felt with Christen and Alex. 

Eventually Christen makes the goal, off an assist by a freshman, by the look of shock on the girl’s face, and the two hug in excitement, before Chris takes off again, back towards Tobin and the midfield. 

At some point near the end Tobin finally loses herself in the game, is finally able to block out the feeling in her chest every time she gets close to Christen. Alex has the ball at her feet and she’s so close to the goal, her set up is perfect and she’s about to shoot when one of the defenders comes slamming into her. Alex is fine, shakes it off easy, but a yellow is pulled and Tobin makes her way for the corner kick. Alex passes her the ball with a smile and nod, before moving to position. 

Tobin knows she can do this, has done it hundreds of times, but when she looks up and sees not just Christen’s focused face, but Kelley’s glare, she feels nervous for the first time in a long time. She swallows thickly before blocking it out, blocking everything out but the ball and the goal. 

It’s a good shot, sailing smooth and clean, except when Becky and Alex go up to head it in, there’s a mess and suddenly Becky and Christen are both on the ground cradling their heads and Tobin can hear one of their moans from the corner. 

She’s across the field in no time, running towards them, and she wishes she had a clearer mind, wishes she were a better person, because she stops at Christen instead of Becky. Stops at Christen and immediately grabs her hand. 

“Chris, Chris are you okay?” She whispers, only answered by a groan. She’s about to ask again, when someone pulls her back, landing her on her butt. She looks up, ready to yell, when she sees Kelley’s glaring face looking down at her. Kelley shoves herself between her and Chris, and Tobin shrinks away even more, before standing and turning back to Becky. 

Becky is up, moving her neck around, and sends the team a quick thumbs up before trying to stand. The medic pushes her back down, but she just rolls her eyes, making Alex snort. Tobin lets her gaze flick to Christen once more, relieved to see her sitting as well, talking to the medic. She tears her eyes away quickly though, feeling the heat from both Alex and Kelley on her, and backs away from it all. 

The rest of the game is dull, both teams too fired up for anything real to happen except lots of passing and sprints. It ends tied 1-1, and both teams line up, tired and quiet for handshakes. Tobin tries not to be worried that Christen gets taken away by the medic and coach instead, and keeps her eyes away from the far side of the field as best she can. 

She catches one last glimpse of her heading into the tunnel, Kelley’s arm around her back, and Tobin tries very hard to put all thoughts of Christen out of her mind. It doesn’t work well, even as the girls sneak alcohol into her and Alex’s room. 

She should be focused on the team, be involved in the jokes and the laughing, but instead she finds herself drinking much, much more than she should and stepping into the bathroom with her phone. 

~~~

Christen is in bed, finally alone after promising Kelley she would be fine and that Kelley could go out. She’s got just her fairy lights on and soft music playing from her computer, when her phone rings. She doesn’t check the caller ID before answering, already knowing it’s just Kelley again. 

“Kelley I swear to god I’m fine, it’s a mild concussion go get drunk.” She says exasperatedly. 

“Not Kelley.” A slurred voice says, and Christen nearly bolts up in bed. 

“T-Tobin.” She says, and hates the way her voice shakes. 

“Hi Chrissy. ‘Mm sorry about your head.”

“Uh.” Christen says, lost for words at the drunken slurs from Tobin and her head still aching. 

“Wish I could kiss it better.” Is the next slurred response, and Christen feels hot tears prick her eyes. 

“Fuck you.” She manages to get out, tears stinging behind her eyes, and Tobin inhales deeply. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ha-“

“No, you shouldn’t have. You can’t tell me you don’t want to talk to me anymore and then call me drunk six months later and tell me you want to kiss me.” Her voice breaks and she hates herself, the rest coming out as a whisper. “You can’t do this to me Tobin. You can’t play with me like this.”

“I’m sorry.” Is all she gets, before the line goes dead. Christen sighs before turning over and letting her eyes close. She probably shouldn’t sleep for another 30 minutes, but she lets herself anyways, too drained to care. 

~~~

When Tobin wakes up the next morning she groans and rolls over, stuffing a pillow over her head. She tries desperately to get the words out of her head, but her drunken stupidity won’t leave her brain, giving her a stronger headache than any hangover. 

Eventually the door opens and she smells coffee, peeking her head out she sees Alex coming in with a tray, and sit up all the way reaching for it. Alex laughs, but turns sober at Tobin’s expression. 

“What happened?” She asks softly. 

“I called Christen last night.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.” She pauses, fighting back tears. “It was bad.” Alex sighs, before putting her coffee down and crawling into bed with Tobin. 

“What happened, honey?”

~~~

They play each other again in December, just before Christmas, back at UNC again. Christen is on the bench the entire game, something about a hamstring or a second concussion, Tobin think she hears. 

Christen cheers loudly for her team, loud enough Tobin can hear her every time, and she has to fight her body from turning towards it every time. She only looks over twice. Once at halftime as Christen turns towards the tunnel and teammates, never looking over. The second time is during a penalty kick that Kelley earns after drawing a tackle from Becky in the box, where she sees Christen light up when Kelley makes the goal. It hurts Tobin’s chest, and she doesn’t look over again. 

~~~

In January Kelley comes to stay with Christen, a week before the new semester. They end up at the beach a lot, where Kelley attempts to teach Christen to surf and is very bad at it, and Christen attempts to teach Kelley how to scrapbook, which Kelley is also very bad at. Overall, she makes a lot of fun of Kelley, who take it out on her by dragging Christen to the gym and the soccer field every day until Christen swears she can’t feel her body anymore. 

When they get back Julie and Mal have somehow started dating, and Christen feels much less surprised and much happier by that fact than she expected. It’s easy to watch them be happy, even if it makes Christen’s chest ache a bit in longing. Not for Julie, or Mal, but for something new like that. 

It’s the first time in a long time she feels that way, and she chooses to look at it positively. She’s not ready yet, but soon she will be, and she’ll be excited for that time. 

Of course, the next weekend she meets Kenedi and the idea of not yet kind of flies out of her head. Kenedi is soft and kind, smells a little like roses and grass, and she tastes like strawberries (Christen might be a little drunk).

Kenedi turns out to not only be great in bed, but an amazing cook, which Christen discovers the next morning as they eat pancakes and talk about school. Christen feels at ease for the first time in months, and the two of them settle into each other easily. 

In March Kelley makes fun of Christen on an isntragm story, calling her out for being whipped only two months in, but Chris just smiles and says “what about it?” And things continue smoothly from there. 

(She doesn’t think about Kenedi graduating next fall or how sometimes when she calls Kenedi late at night she forgets who exactly she’s talking to. It gets better with time.)

~~~

Tobin Heath receives her first call up the spring of her sophomore year of college. Alex screams and Tobin nearly faints (according to Alex) and then she’s crying and calling her mom and dad and siblings. 

Then, she’s almost calling Christen before remembering that she can’t do that anymore. It brings her down a bit, but she just moves on to the next person, screaming at Allie over the phone.

On the plane to camp she meets Meghan Klingenberg, otherwise known as Kling. They bond over the call up and then they bond over dinner at their layover, and then they bond under the sheets while they both bite their lips and clap hands over their mouths to keep from making any noise. 

It’s fun, and harmless, and when the camp ends they end on good terms with sold friendship between them and nothing more. Tobin’s surprised by how happy that makes her feel, and how happy she is to have been there, because even if she doesn’t get called up again, at least she was there. 

She does gets called again not even six weeks later, and Tobin and Kling link arms at the camp and Kling tells her about her new girlfriend and they laugh together and Tobin feels happy, truly happy for Meghan. She thinks maybe if she pushes harder she could do this, she could keep getting called up. 

So she does, she pushes and pushes, and by the time summer rolls around she has a spot at the five week summer preseason camp and new friendships budding between the other call ups. 

She sleeps with two of them, Ashlyn Harris and Christine Sinclair. She and Sinclair go on a few dates after, but eventually it becomes clear neither are ready for that, and it fizzles into a soft, fond friendship. 

At the end of camp Tobin feels at peace, feels connected and calm in a way she hasn’t since before college. She’s excited to go back to UNC, but even more excited to start really joining the national team, to play a game and see her name on an official jersey. 

(She gets her first cap that winter.)

(She does not thinking about Christen jointing her someday.)

~~~

Christen and Kenedi do not make it through the fall semester, and Christen is very glad Kenedi doesn’t play sports, or even like sports. She escapes to the field constantly and ends up staying long after practices to practice shots. She knows the coaches watch her, can feel their eyes from the stands and sidelines, but she ignores it all in favour of the ball and the net. 

She plays full 90s almost the whole season, only coming off twice: for a twisted ankle in the first 16 minutes against Duke, which then keeps her out from UCLA. In a way it’s good for her, not just her ankle, but her peace of mind as she settles into the bench and watches her teammates. She loves them fiercely, and her pride in them shows every time she screams encouragement. 

She plays the full 90 against UNC, and barely glances at Tobin the entire time, even when they’re locked together and she can’t get the ball away. Still, at the end of the game (3-1 UNC) she almost shoots a thumbs up across the field, and has to awkwardly pull her hand down before following Kelley and Sarah to handshakes. 

She reaches Tobin and they both smile tight, formal smiles, and Christen forces herself not to react to the feeling of Tobin’s hand in her own. It breaks Christen’s heart, but in a way that feels more cathartic than pathetic, which is certainly an improvement. Kelley wraps an arm around her (after ignoring Tobin’s hand) and they trudge into the quiet locker rooms. 

The next time they play UNC Tobin has been called away for the national team, and Christen plays the full 90, scoring two of their four goals. They celebrate in their hotel room after by watching The Lion King and making up a drinking game for it. 

Christen ends up drinking more than most, poor monitoring skills and too much investment in the movie (and maybe feeling just a little reckless). By the time everyone leaves she’s just drunk enough to let her mind wander, to think about Tobin joining the national team, and her hands grab her phone. 

** Christen: good luck tomorrow **

** Christen: score a goal **

** Tobin: thanks **


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, my gf and I are at lollapalooza So this is a bit short of a chapter. She also wrote half of it, and neither of us have edited sorry.

Tobin doesn’t tell anyone, not even Alex about the text, but it crushes her a bit every time she reads it (which is often). She wants to say more, to talk more, but she also knows she can’t. She can’t take either of them down that road again, not for a while. 

She doesn’t play, but she sits on the bench and when Christine sinks a goal and she whoops louder than anyone else on the bench, earning a few amused looks. Lizzie sits next to her and laughs as Tobin dances for the next goal, and the next, until the game finally ends 4-0. 

She’s on a plane back to school the next afternoon, with a splitting headache (they may have celebrated the win) and an itch to check her phone to see if Christen has said anything else. 

(She knows she hasn’t, knows Chris won’t, but she still hopes a little bit that she will.)

~~~

In April Chris finally breaks down and asks Kelley not to leave her. She’s had a couple glasses of wine and Kelley’s had a few beers and they cry in their apartment with each other. 

In the morning Christen cries again, but Kelley takes her to a diner and they eat syrup loaded pancakes (which they regret at practice later) and Kelley tells Chris she’s going into the draft, has already been contacted about it. Chris cries again, but the tears are happy this time, and they laugh as they drive back to campus looking like blotchy wrecks. 

Two weeks later and Christen finds herself wrapped up in a teammate, something she swore never to do. But Allison is a new transfer, a junior like Christen, and she smiles like it’s a secret. Christen wants to prove herself to Allison, to be in on that secret, to be part of it. It doesn’t hurt that Allison is nearly twice as compulsive as Christen, that they spend most of their time on the field practicing. 

Kelley graduates, gets drafted and leaves. Christen cries but she still has Mal, and she thinks she has Allison. Kelley moves to Texas, and Christen lets herself call her more than twice a week, but never more than four times. 

Mal and Allison visit in the summer, except Allison isn’t the same and it turns into mostly Christen and Mal and the dogs while Allison disappears to a soccer field for hours every day. Sometimes they join her, but mostly they let her be. 

When Allison tell Christen three weeks before the semester that she’s dropping school to go play in France, Chris is barely surprised. She’s seen the phone calls and hushed conversations in broken French. Allison kisses her, tells her she’s sorry, but Christen knows she’s really not. 

It’s easier to let her go than it should be, but when she and Mal return to school Chris finds herself slacking on the team, always pushing herself either too hard or not nearly enough. The coaches notice, bring her in for talk after talk, but it’s not until early September and one of their first games that Christen realises what’s wrong. 

She’s always loved soccer, always has, always will, but right now soccer is a chore, a crutch that she uses to get through her days. She has fallen out of love with the game, something that terrifies her more than anything. She’s robotic on the field, all the moves right but all the passion gone. She’s lost, and she doesn’t know what to do, feels herself slipping down a slope she doesn’t like. 

Maybe that’s why she does it, or maybe it’s always just been inevitable that she would break and do it, but she calls Tobin. Tobin who loves soccer more than anything, Tobin who never looks more beautiful than when she’s got a ball at her feet. 

“Chris?” The voice is sleepy, low and Christen nearly groans as she looks at the time. It’s midnight for her, nearing three am for Tobin. 

“I’m sorry for waking you.” She gets out, but Tobin must hear something in her voice because the next words are alert clear. 

“What’s wrong, what happened?”

“Tobin I-I need help.” She doesn’t know where to go from there, but keeps trying anyways. “I love soccer, I’ve always loved soccer. There’s a ball and a net and the field and I love it.” The tears start to fall then and she tries to hold in the catch in her voice. 

“Christen, I don’t understand, are you okay? Are you hurt?” Tobin’s beginning to sound panicked, and it makes Christen’s heart jump for just a second. 

“I’m okay.” She gets out, even as more tears fall. “But I don’t know how to play anymore. I just, I feel like a robot Tobs. I feel like I’m going through every motion just right but everything I feel for it is behind some brick wall. I don’t know what to do.”

She ends with a whine and it’s like she can feel Tobin’s heavy breathing on her neck as she paces around her room. 

“Chris, sometimes you can’t be in love every time. Sometimes the ball is just a ball and it’s not your lifeline. And sometimes you just need something else. That’s okay.” Christen sighs at the words, because they’re not perfect, but they’re Tobin’s and that’s what she wanted. 

“I want to fall back in love with it.” She whispers. 

“Then you need to figure out why you stopped.” Tobin inhales deeply. “You need to go back and you need to see what went wrong, and then you need to push past it and get your love back.”

“Okay, yeah. Thank you Tobs.” Her voice is quiet now, breaths starting to even out and match. 

“Anytime, Chris. You’re going to be okay.”

“Okay Tobs.”

Neither of them says another word, but they both fall asleep, phones next to them, each other’s breathing filling the sound. 

~~~

Tobin gets called to the national team four more times senior year. She watches from a shitty hotel TV after a bad game as Christen nervously accepts the Hermann Trophy. 

They’ve spoken a few times since that spring night, little snippets here and there, but nothing as substantial and nothing like falling asleep to each other breathing. They aren’t close, just giving good lucks before games, but it still stings when Christen doesn’t call about the draft. 

Tobin is going into the draft, she’s known this for moths now, but Christen had been a wild card all year, even with the Hermann award. The coaches could see her technical value, but the spirit, the passion was gone. Tobin knows why, kind of, and she understands why the teams wouldn’t pick her, but it makes her angry on Christen’s behalf. Neither of them can make it to the draft ceremony itself, Tobin submitting a video thank you, and Christen not even on the roster plans. 

She has to push that away though, as she gets drafted first pick and keeps getting called up. She has to push thoughts of Christen away, again, because if she doesn’t she makes mistakes, and this is not the time to start making mistakes. Tobin ends up with Atlanta, still somewhat close to UNC and home, and she fits in there easily enough, leaving every once in a while for national team camps. 

They talk once, just before Christen leaves for Sweden, but the conversation is brief and it’s clear Chris is drunk off her ass by the way she can’t even say “goodnight” without slurring. Tobin feels guilty about it, but she feels warm knowing Christen drunk called her and not someone like Kelley or one of her ex girlfriends. 

She sees Christen’s posts from Sweden, has to put her phone away so she doesn’t try calling her. It hurts, but she watches Christen’s games (the ones she can get int he US) and she has to smile because she can see it, see the way Christen starts settling back into herself, starts easing and relaxing. Tobin can practically see her falling back in love with the game, and it makes her glow, even through the tv screen. 

Months go by and Tobin begins to settle into her new life. She dates a few girls here and there, but mostly she’s too busy with Atlanta and then with the national team. She gets close with her national teammates, and when she plays them in club games she finds herself lighting up in a way she hasn’t experienced in years. It’s familiarity, but it’s also knowing the challenge every player makes, knowing they know the challenge she poses. It zips through her like lightning, and she finds herself laughing after almost every game, even the loses, and meeting up with those on the other teams for drinking and fun. 

When her foot starts to ache and she stops being able to play, she’s not surprised they trade her in the new draft. She takes it, and brings Angie, with stride and moves to Sky Blue and gets to know a whole new set of teammates. Her foot heals, and her new teammates are amazing, and she might be happier than she’s felt in a while. 

When the new national team call ups come, she can’t help her eyes from scrambling the page. She’s really looking for Kling and Amy, maybe even Angie, but her eyes snag on the name Christen Press, and for the first time in her life Tobin experiences what she thinks is a heart attack. (It’s not, it’s anxiety, but it takes her a few minutes to accept that and few minutes of Angie patting her back.)

Still, she goes to the camp, leaves Angie and Sky Blue behind for the two weeks, and she desperately tries to stamp down the hope in her chest. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I have like 7 chapters of this already written because I can’t sleep on planes and my girlfriend was a snoring mess the whole time (love you!) so I just wrote a bunch. It’s gone a little off the rails from where it was supposed to but I’m excited to share the rest!

Christen spends the beginning of her time in Sweden doing many things, the most of which discovering what Swedish women kiss like. She falls in and out of strangers beds for the first few months, before one of her teammates, Malin, accidentally steps in. 

Malin is small, younger than most of the other players, and she’s as nervous as Christen used to be, back when she truly loved the game. Christen somehow ends up with Malin under her wing, which scares her in a way that pushes her. Christen ends up forgoing the women on the weekends, and instead starts taking Malin to the fields for extra practice. 

They talk long into nights and when Christen gets called to the national team for the first time, Malin is the first one to hear about it, the first one Christen hugs. Malin is the one who gets to hear about Christen’s conflict with the game, her turbulent relationship with the ball. Malin is the one who comforts her and tells herthat she has to go, the one who pushes Christen to accept. 

When she gets to the camp, back on American soil for the first time in almost seven months, she feels anxiety and fear. Things she doesn’t want to feel back home, only a few hours away from her parents, yet even closer to the person she’s dreading seeing. 

Her roommate is Ali Krieger, soft spoken most of the time but surprisingly loud when excited, and Christen falls into an easy friendship with her over the first afternoon and night, as they walk to the first meeting. It’s full of new call ups and those who elected to come, Ali joins Christen just to be nice, she thinks.She’s easy to get along with and they drive to practice together the first morning, joking between each other. 

Christen recognises many members of the team, Amy Rodriguez and Abby Wambach , Alex Morgan practicing with someone she doesn’t recognise. She’s about to start looking for Tobin, something she wishes she could stop her body from doing, when she’s suddenly tackled and falling to the side. 

“Christen!” Is shouted in her ear, and she winces at the sheer loudness of Kelley’s voice. She tries to shove the clinging girl off her, but can’t get her to move, and eventually goes lax in the tight embrace.

“Hi Kelley.” She chuckles out, patting her back softly while Ali laughs before walking away towards one of the keepers. 

“I’ve missed you so much and you hardly ever call me you brat and I can’t believe you’re here I already told coach you have to be my partner in everything and I tried to get us to be roommates but she said no so I think we should ignore that and switch anyways because Amy snores and-“

“Oh my god Kelley breath, and let the poor girl beneath you breath.” Comes a voice, and Christen looks up to see Abby Wambach smiling down at them. Kelley pops up without a word and jumps up and down while gripping Abby’s arm, still talking up a storm, but Christen has zoned out from what she’s saying, too star struck to process it. 

Eventually Christen manages to pick herself up, but she can’t stop staring at Abby, who she’s been admiring for months now, and who’s staring at her with a raised eyebrow. 

“Hi, I’m Christen.” She manages to get out, sticking her hand out to shake Abby’s, not really sure what else to do. Abby laughs, before slapping Christen’s palm in an awkward high five and then looping her arms through both Christen and Kelley, dragging them to the bench. 

“I’m Abby. The coaches will be here any minute and you need to make a good impression, so let’s get both your boots on, okay?”

They both nod furiously, and Christen stays silent as she changes into her cleats and shin guards, and then begins a series of stretches. Kelley doesn’t shut up, but eventually Ali joins them again and keeps up a stream of conversation, the two interrupting each other over and over without a care. 

It’s not until the coaches reach the field, that Christen actually remembers her anxiety, and starts slowly looking over the field again. Her breath catches when she sees her, near the right goal with a defender, practicing feet work. Tobin’s hair is longer, sun spotted highlights throughout, and she looks at ease, shoulders relaxed and movements a little lazy. 

When the whistle blows Christen jumps, but can’t turn away fast enough, and she accidentally catches Tobin’s eye when she turns. Tobin freezes for a moment, before the defender grabs her arm and pulls them together to the sidelines, further down the field from Christen. 

The warmups burn, and Christen suddenly misses Sweden and their warmups (a sign they probably need to switch it up) and Malin and her teammates. Ali finds her for paired practices, which lifts some of that weight off Christen’s shoulders, and they make it through the entire practice without her coming even close to Tobin at all. 

“Alright ladies,” one of the training coaches says, and they all stop to drink water and listen, “we’re sending you home early today. Cool down, bond with some of the new girls, and don’t break the nutrition code.”

There’s a few laughs from the older girls, Christen assumes some inside joke about the nutrition code and how strict it is, before people start peeling away. Some of the girls are heading back to the field, and Christen itches to join them, but they’re people she hasn’t met yet and feels too nervous to introduce herself. 

“Come on Pretty Pressy, I know you want to play some more.” Kelley singsongs to her, grabbing her hand and pulling her onto the field. They end up by goal, Kelley trying to dirty tackle Christen every chance she gets, and Christen firing off messy goal after messy goal. She should feel frustrated, annoyed with Kelley even, but she can’t stop laughing and finds herself enjoying their messy sprawls, until she starts getting tired and decides to stay down. 

“I miss this.” She breathes, ignoring the prickle in her eyes, and Kelley grunts in response. “I miss the fun, I miss enjoying the game.”

“You okay Press?” Kelley asks, and when Christen nods it’s not a lie, not even a stretch of the truth. Christen feels okay for the first time in a long time, and when she picks up the ball again, she has a massive smile splitting her face.

~~~

Tobin tries not to watch Christen, manages to ignore her through official practices, and stay on the opposite side of the pitch, but after, when some of the team stays behind to practice extra shots or fancy footwork, she can’t help the way her eyes seem to catch on Christen’s every move. Sometimes she’s with Kelley, or Ali, or even Abby, but mostly they leave her alone to her obsessive practice shots. Tobin would be worried, worried that Christen is getting too compulsive again, but every time she catches a smile on Christen’s face that worry seems to melt away and warmth is left in her chest. 

Its not until the fourth day that the coaches finally split them up, moving them from their usual partners and making scrimmage teams. They play 7v7 and somehow Tobin keeps ending up next to Christen, who flies past her and around her without a thought, barely ever looking at her. 

Tobin knows Chris, or at least did, and knows her focus is unparalleled in a game, but she still has this itch, an urge to catch her attention somehow. She doesn’t act on it, not here, but it’s there, under her skin, begging for her to stop Christen, to tackle her or touch her or something. She stays away because of it, doesn’t come too close or push too hard. 

So it’s a surprise when Christen is the one to tackle her. Tobin has the ball, is dribbling only a few paces before getting ready to pass to Abby, when her feet are suddenly slipping and the ball is gone. Christen has kicked it away, a little forcefully, making them both fall to the ground. Before she can think about it Tobin is laughing, because she can feel the mud on her back, but Christen has it on the side of her face. 

Christen laughs too, trying to wipe it off but she can’t get everything, and then Tobin is reaching over and brushing it off for her. Christen’s eyes go wide, and Tobin’s breath catches, because she’s leaning over Chris, and they’re touching each other for the first time in almost four years, Tobin half presser against her, and Tobin swears her heart has stopped working. 

And then the whistle blows and they both jump up, not looking at each other again for the rest of day. 

Two days later Tobin finds herself on the field in the middle of the night, mind and body restless, while she dribbles slowly back and forth across the field. She doesn’t hear the gate open, or the sound of feet on the grass, but she does hear soft humming after a moment and looks up to see Christen. She has massive headphones on, a ball at her feet, and her phone in hand. She’s smiling at the screen; typing out something, before she finally looks up and sees Tobin. She pulls her headphones down to her neck and clears her throat. 

“Uhm hi.” She says, voice scratchy with sleep, and Tobin feels her stomach flip at the sound of it, of how much it reminds her of their late night phone calls. “Sorry, I just couldn’t sleep so I was going to come practice for a while but I can go I’ll find something else to do.”

She bends down to scoop up her ball and turns to walk away. Tobin doesn’t know what to do, can barely feel anything but her heart in her throat, but she manages to get words out right as Christen reaches the benches. 

“Chris, wait!” Christen freezes and turns slowly to face her again. “You don’t have to leave.”

“Oh, okay.” Her voice is soft, almost nervous, and Tobin feels guilt and anxiety again. Because really it’s her fault they’re like this, it’s her fault Christen thinks she can’t even be on the same field as her, can’t even look at her. It’s her fault she ruined her relationship with her best friend.

Christen moves to the other end of the field, and only then does Tobin notice the ball bag she pulls behind her. She tries not to stare, as Christen sets up a line of balls and begins shooting, but it’s hard. Christen’s form is smooth, not a foot out of place, and almost every ball sinks itself exactly where it should. But every time she misses, Tobin can hear a muttered swear, and then she starts over again. 

It’s nearing an hour when Christen’s shoulders start to slump and the shots get less precise. Tobin watches curiously as Christen packs half of the balls back up, before she starts tossing the others. She practices heading it straight up, and then directly into the goal, but Tobin can tell she’s getting frustrated by the angles. 

“Do you want me to kick those for you.” She’s saying before she thinks about it, already jogging towards the corner. Christen freezes for a second, before passing some of the balls towards the corner and nodding. 

They don’t say much, beyond Tobin calling out when her kicks are too wide, and they only last another forty minutes before Tobin feels her eyes drop too much and stops them after checking her watch. 

“C’mon, it’s almost two, we need to go to sleep.” Christen just nods in response, and they slowly pack up the balls and put them in the back of Christen’s car. Tobin grabs her longboard, fully ready to ride it back to the hotel, but Christen grabs her arm. 

It burns where she touches, but Chris lets go as quick as she grabbed, and tells her to get in the car. Tobin doesn’t argue, can’t say anything, just slides in the passenger seat, and then fiddles with the radio. They don’t speak, except for a goodnight in the elevator as they head to their different floors. 

It only happens twice more during the camp, once Tobin comes across Chris already on the field, and once Chris finds Tobin there first. They don’t say much, just practice passing and corner kicks until they’re both tired enough to sleep. 

It’s the last night, everyone leaving in the morning after a team meeting, and Tobin’s entire body itches to move. She’s out of the room, trying not to wake Alex, and in the lobby within minutes. The elevator behind her dings, overly loud in the quiet lobby, and she turns to see Christen stepping out. 

“Hi.” Tobin whispers, and Christen looks up at her with wide eyes. 

“Hi.” Christen’s eyes flick to the ball in Tobin’s left hand and the longboard in the other, before lifting her own ball and key ring. “Want a ride?”

They don’t speak, they never do in the car rides, but there’s tension all over, and it’s stifling to Tobin, who just wants to reach the field. When they finally do, she’s out of the car with Christen’s ball bag on her arm before Chris has even fully stepped out. 

They both end up barefoot this time, lightly passing back and forth before Tobin suddenly stops and just lies down. She doesn’t know why, it’s not like you can really see the stars in Santa Barbara, but she tries anyways. After a few minutes the grass next to her crinkles and Christen lies down, hand brushing hers for a second before it’s pulled away. 

“Do you remember when we were sixteen, and you convinced me to play that game of pickup in the middle of the night?” Christen asks suddenly and Tobin smirks at the memory. 

“And you fell in the mud pit trying to tackle me? Yeah I remember that.” She says with a laugh, and Christen snorts next to her. 

“I think that was the first time.”

“The first time what?”

“The first time I really understood what it was like to love the game.” It’s a whisper, barely loud enough for Tobin to hear, but it makes her fingers itch to grab Christen’s, to pull her close. When she turns her head, Christen is already looking at her, about half a foot away and eyes clear. 

“Do you love it now?” Tobin asks, not sure if it’s the right question, but it’s what she’s been dying to ask all of camp. 

“I think I’ll always love it.” Christen takes a deep breath, before looking back up to the sky. 

Later, once Tobin is in bed and almost asleep, she’ll have a fuzzy thought, almost a wish. She’ll wish that Christen wasn’t talking about soccer, that she was talking about Tobin. It’s the last thought she has before falling asleep completely. 

~~~

In the morning Christen ends up sandwiched between Ali and Ashlynn, who keep glaring at each other over her head. She’s not really sure what she missed there, but the uncomfortableness of it is making her squirm in her seat. Eventually they have a bathroom break and she bolts out of her chair, desperately wanting to escape the whole situation. 

She leans against the wall outside the door and lets her eyes close as she takes a breather. She hates being in the middle of things, and even more hates uncomfortable situations like whatever is happening between the two. 

“You can come sit next to me.” Tobin says, making Christen jump. She hadn’t realised someone else was in the hallway, and she blushes as Tobin raises an eyebrow. “Ashlynn and Ali are always... rocky.” She says, and Christen lets out a breathy laugh. 

“What’s up with them?” She asks, but Tobin just shakes her head. 

“You don’t want to know.” They both smile, and Christen follows her back into the room, taking the empty seat. She ignores Ali’s glare from across the room, and instead focuses on the board and the last hour of the meeting. 

Halfway through, Tobin starts to shift, moving restlessly and tapping her hand against her thigh. It would be endearing, if it wasn’t so annoying, and before Christen really thinks about it she’s forcing her hand down on top of Tobin’s, halting her movements, and whispering out a “stop doing that.”

Tobin stops moving completely, and it takes Christen a moment to realise it’s because her hand is still on her thigh, almost holding the hand underneath her own. She pulls it back quickly, and clasps both of her hands in her lap. 

The meeting ends, and all the girls are up, hugging each other and saying goodbyes. Christen ends up in a group hug with Kelley, Ali, and Abby, and they all whisper good lucks to her and her flight back to Sweden. For a second she almost wishes she wasn’t leaving, that she could join a league in the US. It’s a brief wish, but it sticks in the back of her mind that she’d like to come back, someday, maybe even soon. 

They all file out, people heading to cars and shuttles, and Christen puts her bag in her rental, closing the trunk, and turning around, only to bump into a chest. 

“Sorry.” Tobin says and takes a step back. “I just, I wanted to say bye.”

She’s nervous, shifting her weight back and worth, hands twirling in her shirt hem. It makes Christen feel soft, soft and happy to see Tobin so un-Tobin like. 

“Bye Tobin.” She says, and pulls her into a hug without a thought. They relax into each other, and Tobin grips Christen’s back with strong fingers that make her want to shiver. They stay like that for at least a minute, before Chris reluctantly pulls back. 

“I’ll see you soon.” Tobin says, and Christen has to smile at the confidence in her voice, at the idea that she’ll be called back again. 

“Bye Tobs.”

“Bye Chris.” They both smile at each other, before Alex calls for Tobin and she bounces away to the shuttle. 

Christen gets in her car and tries not to let the grin overtake her face, but she ends up smiling almost the whole drive to the airport, and even though security is hell, she can’t seem to be bothered by it. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really meant to upload this last night but I fell asleep before dinner (?). Please let me know of any major grammar/spelling errors and I’ll fix them! @herstuf on Tumblr

Tobin injures her foot a week after returning from camp, but by the time it’s really healed the league is folding and Tobin finds herself unsure of where to go from there.

She ends up in France, pretending like the two french classes she took in college are any kind of preparation (spoiler: they’re not), but she falls into something new with teammates she’s never met before, who she can barely talk to, unless there’s a ball at their feet. It’s something Tobin never knew she was missing, and something about it makes her fall in love with the game even more.

When Shirley kisses her three months in, Tobin wishes she could say she saw it coming. But she didn’t, and Shirley’s affections hit her like a wall of bricks, suddenly and out of nowhere. 

Still, she ends up happy, her six months on the team somehow enough to keep them together even after Tobin returns to the US and the newly formed NWSL. And she talks to Christen more, about once every two weeks there’s a text or five between them. At camps they slowly get closer again, becoming partners sometimes during drills and escaping to the field every couple of nights. 

Christen gets her first cap on the national team, and they celebrate her two goals by drinking what must be an entire bar’s worth of alcohol. There’s a moment as they walk back, Tobin’s head is fuzzy, so she’s not sure when, but at some point she and Christen started holding hands. They’re behind everyone else, listening to them shout and cheer, and Tobin feels more at peace than she has in a long time. She kisses Chris’s knuckles without thinking about it, and Chris ends up cuddling into her shoulder for the rest of their walk. They all end up in a bed together, Tobin, Chris, Kelley, and Megan, giggling and eventually snoring. 

In the morning Tobin wakes up first, and is almost too afraid to move, her hand across Christen’s hips, Kelley’s just above hers. Tobin breathes in, she smells alcohol sure, but she can also smell Christen’s citrus shampoo. It makes her stomach flip, and the urge to push closer jolts her wide awake. She drags herself out of bed slowly, trying not to wake anyone, escaping for coffee before anyone else wakes up. Everyone smiles at the coffee and donuts she brings back, but Christen’s groggy face and grabby hands make her feel happiest. 

But they go back, Christen to Sweden and Tobin to Portland, and they only talk every few weeks. She misses Chris, even when she sees her at camps, she misses seeing her more than three times a year. And then Christen is transferred, she joins the Red Stars and they play against each other and it’s better, much better.

So life is good and Tobin is happy, and then they’re playing Costa Rica and she’s hugging Chris and she feels light but she can see Shirley staring at them and there’s white hot guilt in her stomach again. She leaves Christen without another glance, missing the way Christen’s face falls as she hugs Shirley. 

After the tournament she goes back to Paris, just for the week, and she and Shirley break up and Tobin feels wrecked by it but also knows Shirley was right and Tobin isn’t really in love with her anymore. 

So she goes home to Portland, a little broken hearted and a little frustrated because it’s the off season and she’s bored. Megan and Alex come to visit her and Kling, and they go out and then she’s inviting Christen to visit after one too many cups of wine. 

Two weeks later Christen is in her guest room and she’s showing her the city and Christen’s face is light and bright and talking about how much she loves it here. Tobin can’t help the way her mind jumps, starts imagining waking up with Christen there everyday, Christen living in Portland, Christen living with her. Tobin’s stomach sinks because she was never supposed to go back to this, back to loving Christen, but here she is. And it hurts, it hurts so bad. 

~~~

Christen stays in Sweden for another season, but Malin convinces her to transfer and they both end up at Tyresö. She’s called up to the national team for a friendly against Scotland (after being passed over as an alternate during the Olympics) and gets her first official cap with two goals, and the assist on the third. 

She’s buried under the girls, Kelley screaming into her neck, Alex and Megan on her legs, and she can feel Tobin’s grip on her arm. She can’t stop smiling, feeling like her face will break with it. The team is screaming and the game is over and Christen is on Kelley’s back as the whole team cracks open beers in the locker room and then goes to bars. 

Christen has too many, she knows she has too many, but she drinks and drinks and celebrates and she wakes up with barely a memory of leaving the locker room. She tries to roll over, but an arm around her waist stops her. She freezes, looking over to see a brunette and then a blonde. She lets out a deep sigh, relaxing under Kelley and Megan’s arms and goes back to sleep without even seeing who’s lying on her left. 

When she wakes up again it’s almost noon and Tobin is walking through the door, stacks of coffee in her arms and a box of donuts under them. She sets them down and Christen gets up slow, rubbing her eyes and making reaching her hands towards the cups. Tobin laughs, but hands her the coffee marked “Chris.” It’s warm and just sweet enough and Christen drains it in about half a minute.Tobin just laughs at her, and Kelley when she chugs it as well, before they all get up and ready for the day.

Christen leaves that afternoon, and her heart breaks a little as she waves goodbye to some of the team, and it breaks even more as she touches down in Sweden again. Malin is there to comfort her, but Christen can’t articulate what it is, why it hurts so much even though she loves her team. But she pushes on, and she focuses more on playing the way she enjoys, than playing the way she thinks she should to win. (She forces herself not to think about Tobin, about the NWSL, about anything but the ball at her feet.)

She goes back to the USWNT, is there when they play Costa Rica. The game is electric, both teams giving it their all, and Christen is running across the field at the end, embracing Tobin who holds her tight for a moment, but then stiffens. She pulls back, leaves Christen near their teammates as she runs towards Shirley, embraces her. Christen looks away quickly, suddenly all too aware that there are live cameras everywhere and that Kelley is staring at her. Too aware of who Shirley is to Tobin, of how Ashlynn had complained about their late night phone calls. 

Christen breaks down the next month at the next national camp, near the end of her season, and tells Abby and Ali how much she misses the US. They comfort her, rub her back and bring her water, but Megan is the true saviour. She walks in, walks out, and less than an hour later Christen is on the phone with Chicago. 

She’s transferred the next season, just after Tyresö wins the UEFA final. She gets calls from Kelley, Ali, Megan, and even Ashlynn. Congratulations and excitement over her move, but she doesn’t hear much from Tobin, beyond a “congrats!” text, until almost two months later, three weeks after their fist game against each other. 

She thinks Tobin might have been drinking, but she’s not really sure. She can hear Kling and maybe Alex in the background, arguing over something on the tv, but she forgets about them once she processes Tobin’s words. 

“You want me to come visit you?” She says, and can only hope the phone doesn’t betray how breathless she is. 

“Yeah, in Portland. I have a guest room and there’s a good coffee shop you should try.” It’s the weirdest reasoning Christen has ever heard, but she still jumps for it, has to stop herself from screaming “yes!” and instead manages to keep her voice (mostly) level and calm as she agrees to come. 

Tobin picks her up from the airport, and they head straight to the coffee shop as soon as she sees Christen’s bleary eyes. It makes Christen‘s stomach flip, that Tobin still knows her well enough so many years later. She tries not to let that feeling grow, she really does, but Tobin is sweet, and the best host, and Christen finds herself falling in love with the way Tobin sees Portland. 

She finds herself falling in love with a lot of things, but she very wilfully ignores that and pretends she’s not avoiding going back to Chicago until she has to. Pretends she doesn’t start imagining herself in Portland, seeing the city as something so much more than Chicago is or Sweden ever was. 

~~~

In 2015 she’s called to national team roster for the World Cup. It’s not a surprise, Tobin knew it would happen, but her knees still buckle and she ends up calling Christen without thinking about it. 

“Do you know yet?” She nearly shouts as soon as the line connects. 

“No, not yet, do you?”

“I’m in, Jill just called me.” 

“Tobin, that’s amazing!” Christen sounds genuinely happy, proud even, but all Tobin wants is to know she’ll be there, be on the roster too. 

“Will you call me as soon as Jill calls you?”

“If it happens I’ll call.” Her voice is a little sad, and Tobin’s heart clenches. 

“It’s going to happen, Chris.”

“I hope so, Tobs.”

(It does, the next day, and Christen calls her as soon as Jill hangs up.)

The friendlies leading up to the cup go by in a flash for Tobin, at least until the Costa Rica game. She plays almost every game and almost all full 90s, and her mind is zen as she hugs her teammates after each game, as she hugs Christen after each game. But Costa Rica is different, she doesn’t know if it’s because of Shirley, or because Christen starts and stays, or what, but Tobin finds that zen state melting away as Shirley and Christen zig zag around each other. They have close cal after close cal to almost tackling each other, and every time Tobin feels her heart race just a little bit faster. 

At the final whistle, with a US win, Tobin hugs Alex, then Christen, and then somehow Shirley is there, hugging her tight while Tobin only barely brings an arm around her. She can feel Christen watching them, and when they turn a little she catches Christen’s eye, and frown, before Chris turns away. 

She manages to escape Shirley, a small pat on the back and tight smile seeming to finally get through just how uncomfortable she is, and Shirley walks away with a huff. Tobin shakes her head, pushing it out of her mind, and finally follows her teammates back to the locker room, one of the last to arrive and change.

Usually she and Chris sit with each other, on buses or planes, but now Ashlynn is next to Chris and Ali is patting the empty seat next to her, all the way at the back of the bus. Tobin sits stiffly, a sinking feeling in her chest as she watches Chris take her headphones out and lean her head back against the chair to talk quietly with Ashlynn. The rest of the bus is celebrating, cheering and singing, but the four of them sit quiet and separate from it all. 

They go back to their teams for a month after that, and Tobin doesn’t hear from Chris once. Not that they talk all that much now, but it was getting better, maybe working back up to weekly phone calls instead of monthly, texts almost every day. Now though, Tobin is too annoyed and afraid to pick up her phone and reach out. She knows she’s done nothing wrong, but can’t shake the feeling that she did. 

She doesn’t know how to fix it, to start talking to Chris again, not until the next camp when Ali is suddenly at her side with pleading eyes and Tobin somehow finds herself trading room keys. They’re official now, Ali and Ashlynn, and even though the coaches probably want to keep them separate, Tobin has no interest in coming between that. 

So she ends up on the second floor instead of the third, and when she opens the door she almost chokes at the sight of Christen, lounging on the bed with a book and glasses. 

“Tobin?” She asks, clearly confused to see her instead of Ali. She puts the book down on her lap and suddenly all Tobin can see is bare legs under shorts and loose hair falling everywhere. 

“Uh, yeah, Ali wanted to be with Ashlynn.” She eventually manages to get out, but doesn’t know what else to say, hasn’t even moved from the closed door. 

“Oh.” Chris says, then wrinkles her nose, making her glasses shift up her face. “Well, at least neither of us will be kicked out this time.”

Tobin laughs a little at that, remembering the fall camp when Christen showed up in the middle of the third night with a pillow and a bottle of wine. 

~~~

_ “I’m coming!” Tobin yells at the door, hoping the person will stop their incessant knocking. She opens it, already prepared to yell at Alex or Megan, but stops short. “Chris? What are you doing here?” _

_ “Your roommate kicked me out of my own room.” She says before shoving her way through the door and flipping down on Ashlynn’s bed.  _

_ “What? Why?” _

_ “I’m with Ali.” Is her only response, while she unscrews the cap off the wine bottle. Tobin moves slowly back into the room, onto her own bed, and holds back a laugh as Christen drinks straight from the bottle.  _

_ “I have cups?” _

_ “Nope, I’m good.” Christen says, taking another swig and then smirking at Tobin. It makes her heart skip a beat and she has to look away quickly, pretending to look for the remote.  _

_ “Want to watch something?” _

_ “Yes, but not one of your silly romcoms.” She says with an eye roll, and Tobin’s jaw drops.  _

_ “Excuse me, they are not silly. They are comedic masterpieces!” She says, placing a hand in her chest, mock offended (she totally knows they’re silly). _

_ “Hallmark movies are not masterpieces, Tobs.” _

_ “They could be.” She mutters, before turning on Netflix and finding one of the newer Marvel movies.  _

_ It’s mindless, and a quarter way through Christen slumps down, wine bottle half empty and precariously held. Tobin reaches over without thinking, pulls it away and puts it down, before pulling a blanket over Christen’s legs. She’s not really asleep, but her eyes are hooded and she lets out a soft “thanks Toby” before they both refocus on the movie.  _

_ In the morning Tobin wakes up early, too restless and aware of Christen asleep near her, and goes for a run. On the way back she brings coffee, and Christen stirs sleepily at the smell, before pulling one arm out of her blankets and pretending to reach for the cup. Tobin hands it to her carefully, and laughs when Chris sits up fully to chug the whole thing.  _

_ Ashlynn apologies to both of them that afternoon at practice, and they both make fun of her for a while, before letting it go. It doesn’t happen again for the rest of the camps, mostly because Ali and Ashlynn can’t seem to figure themselves out. _

~~~

“Are you just going to keep standing there?” Chris asks, and Tobin jerks as she realises she still hasn’t moved from her spot by the door. She drags her bag behind her to the far bed, collapsing onto it face first, getting a giggle out of Christen. 

“Will you wake me up for lunch?” She asks, and Christen nods, before turning back to her book. Tobin falls asleep quickly, jet-lag already hitting her. 

Christen joins the 2015 USWNT team in a whirlwind of calls. First it’s Jill, offering the position and welcoming her, then it’s Tobin, all breathless and teary eyed. Then it’s Kelley, and her parents, and Malin, and everyone else she can think of who deserves to hear it from her. 

She’s on cloud nine through the friendlies, flying high and happy and in love with the ball at her foot. She scores and she passes and she can feel herself settling in, really becoming a fixture for the team. 

She feels good, so good that the Costa Rica game takes her by completely by surprise. Shirley is there, who she’s never met but knows, would recognise from a mile away. She thinks she should feel guilty, or maybe ashamed of that, but her instagram stalking of Tobin, and her ear for the gossip Megan and Ashlynn pass doesn’t give her much of a guilty conscience, just a sense of being a little too nosy. 

She and Shirley dance around each other on the pitch, and at the end of the game (a US win) Christen finds herself grinning ear to ear as Tobin hugs her tight. She’s about to open her mouth, cheer with the team, when she sees Shirley grab Tobin and pull her into a hug. 

It’s awkward, and Chris makes eye contact with a stiff Tobin, but turns away before the pain and annoyance in her eyes can show. She lets herself get swept up by Kelley and Ali, pulled into cheers and ignoring Tobin for the rest of it. 

When she goes back to Chicago she realises she has to stop, that she can’t reach out to Tobin anymore if she ever wants the burning warmth in her chest to go away. 

(She pretends that’s what she really wants.)

A month later and she’s back in California, back with her national teammates. She gets in early, a morning flight that lets her check in before the rest of the team. She’s prepped, glasses on book on her lap, ready for Ali to walk in the door. Ever since Ali texted her that’s she and Ashlynn are officially together, she’s been dying to tease her in person about it taking so long. But when the door opens it’s Tobin, and Christen is so surprised she forgets she’s supposed to be distant. 

She smiles as Tobin passes out almost immediately, all soft snores and hair a tangled mess, shoes still on. She wakes Tobin up softly from her nap, a little regretful to disturb her, but knowing Tobin needs the food. 

Her groggy voice and messy hair is all it takes for Christen to completely forget about trying to ignore her. She wants to reach over and brush her hair away from her face, wants to cup her jaw. It’s a lot of wants all at once, and she pulls back quickly, heads to the bathroom to collect herself. 

Lunch is fast and easy, and then they sit together for the welcome meeting. Tobin constantly moves, always restless, and every time Tobin’s knee brushes hers she has to fight down a blush and a shiver. It’s some kind of torture, not wanting to move away, but almost hating every second they touch each other. There’s a burning desire to put her hand on Tobin’s knee, to stop the movement, and then just to leave it there, that keeps her distracted throughout the meeting. 

It’s better the next day, after they’ve slept and started practice. They start pairing up again; but it’s safe enough that Christen doesn’t feel like her heart is racing or she’s blushing every time they so much as touch each other. Still, she’s relieved when Kelley starts inserting herself, starts picking her for partner drills too. 

~~~

“Tobin,” a gentle hand shoves her shoulder, “Tobin seriously you’re going to miss lunch, wake up.”

She swats the hand away, trying to dig her face back into the pillow, when it’s yanked from under her. She groans, but flips over to face Christen with a glare. 

“Tobin you need to get up, I know you’re hungry.” As soon as she says it, Tobin’s stomach lets out a gurgling sound, making Christen giggle. Tobin shoves her face into the bed to hide her smile at the sound of it. 

“Okay, okay.” She drags herself up, pulling up just as Christen pulls back, and she can’t help but smile up at her softly. Christen’s hair is a little frizzy, like it always is after lying down, and she smiles back just as softly. 

She wants to reach out, push some of the loose hairs behind Christen’s ear, maybe leave her hand there for a moment. Her fingers twitch, and she has to slide her hands under her thighs to stop herself, until Christen backs away to the bathroom.

They go down together, eat together, and come back to the room together to relax before the meeting that night. Tobin falls asleep again, but luckily Chris is there to shake her awake and drag her to the meeting. 

Jill talks a lot, is all Tobin really gets from the beginning of the meeting. As soon as the talk about practice and soccer ended, and Jill is turning to nutrition and training, Tobin lets her mind wander. It’s no surprise she ends up thinking about Christen, she’s sitting next to her, knees occasionally brushing as Tobin shifts around, and she’s wearing soft sleep shorts and an oversized T-shirt. She looks good, and for a moment Tobin fantasises about letting her fingers draw patters on Christen’s bare thigh, maybe even trying to hold the hand resting in her lap. 

It surprises her, how much she wants to do that, and suddenly all her focus is back on Jill and Dawn, back to listening to their new training and eating plan. She thinks maybe she should sit in her hands again, but chooses not to, just in case it’s too obvious. 

It gets better once practice really starts, once the girls start getting too tired to do anything but eat, train, and sleep. It’s gruelling the first week, and when Saturday comes, the promised rest day, Tobin almost bows out of the beach trip, almost elects to sleep instead. She’s trying to wiggle out of it, trying to find a way out so she doesn’t have to see Christen in a swim suit, but Ali is begging and then Christen is begging and she finds herself changing into swim trunks and a top before she realises it. 

They rent surf boards, and Tobin laughs at Kelley trying to teach Chris and Ali to surf. It’s easier to laugh at them than focus on just how good Christen looks, how her wet hair clings to her face and neck. Somehow she ends up taking over, really ends up teaching Kelley too, and by the end of it they’re all collapsed on the sand, chugging water and dozing in the sun. 

She falls asleep, because she always falls asleep once she’s horizontal and still, but wakes up slightly when a hand brushes her hip. She grabs it without thinking, pulling until Chris is shoulder to shoulder and they’re holding hands, before falling back asleep. 

Cold water wakes her, and she jumps as it’s poured over her stomach. She gasps, and then tackles Megan to the sand in retaliation. They end up with sand in their hair and a little in their mouths before they finally stop wrestling and everyone else makes them pack up to leave. 

Chris avoids her on the way back, walking in the front with Kelley and then getting in Abby’s car instead of Megan’s with Tobin. She knows it doesn’t really mean anything, but she can’t help thinking maybe she shouldn’t have grabbed Chris’s hand on the beach, even if she was mostly asleep when she did it. 

They’re quiet back at the hotel room, Christen changes in the bathroom while they get ready for a team dinner and night out. Nobody will drink, not anything more than a glass of wine at least, but it’ll be fun nonetheless. In the hour it takes for Christen to finish getting ready, she doesn’t say a word to Tobin, and Tobin is too nervous and confused to breach the silence. 

In the lobby, the bus ends up driving them to a cute restaurant near the beach, where they push four tables together just to make room for everyone. Tobin ends up next to Abby and Amy, Christen directly across from her, between Kelley and Alex. Tobin avoids Alex’s gaze, and Kelley’s really, too afraid they’ll see something in her eyes any time she so much as looks at Christen. Which is too often for how little Christen looks at her. 

During the next week practice becomes even more intense, and Tobin finds herself really unable to think, beyond rotating thoughts about soccer and food. She even forgoes night time escapes to the field, too tired and falling asleep like a rock every night. She knows Christen goes once or twice, but they aren’t really speaking after the beach day, so Tobin doesn’t try to join her.

The entire week is much like that, little words between the two and Christen somewhat avoiding time in the room. When they pack up on Friday and move to the next base, Tobin feels a guilty sense of relief when she ends up Kelley’s roommate for the first time. That feeling doesn’t last long. 

“You have got to get yourself under control.” Are Kelley’s first words to her once she enters the room, and it makes Tobin stop short by her bed. 

“I- what?”

“The heart eyes and the hand holding on the beach?” Kelley asks, but it’s not really a question, and her voice is cold as steel, something she hasn’t heard from her in years, not since their first call up together. “You can’t lead her on like that, not again.”

“I’m not leading her on.” Tobin tries to explain, but Kelley just shakes her head. 

“You are, you always are. Just leave her alone, for once just let her be.” Her voice is softer and more defeated than Tobin has ever heard it, and Tobin finds herself oddly grateful that Christen has Kelley, even if it hurts to hear this from her. 

Kelley grabs her phone and room key before brushing past Tobin and out the door. Tobin sits slowly on the bed, not really sure what just happened and unable to really process Kelley’s words. 

She knows Kelley is one of Christen’s best friends, has been for many years, but Kelley hasn’t said anything to her about Chris since those texts Freshman year, after Tobin told Christen she couldn’t talk to her anymore. When they first started camps together, it was tough trying to figure out Kelley’s teamwork skills on the field, versus her complete avoidance of Tobin off. She knows they’ve been doing better, become friends in the last few years, but maybe Kelley will always hold what Tobin did against her. 

She does not let herself think about what Kelley means by leading Christen on, does not let herself open up to that little bit of hope again. She closes the door very firmly, and she tries her very best to stop touching Chris, to stop getting so close to her again. 

(It doesn’t work very well.)

~~~

It’s so easy to slip back into it, to fall back to being seat partners and going places together and always sitting next to each other. Christen and Tobin share the backseat of Megan’s car to the beach on Saturday, and Christen almost has to sit on her hands, they itch so badly to reach out for Tobin, and every time their shoulders so much as brush she feels her stomach tense up. Getting out of the car and onto the sand is sweet relief. 

Kelley rents the boards, tries to drag Chris out to teach her again, but not even six years can improve Kelley’s teaching skills, and Chris spends more time in the water than on the board. That is, until Tobin takes over, because of course Tobin is a great teacher, and Chris ends up standing for the first time (even if it’s just for a few seconds). She wants to fling herself at Tobin, wants to hug her and tackle her she’s so overjoyed by it. But the sight of Tobin’s bare skin, all tan and long, is too much for her. Instead she hugs Ali and then drags herself out of the ocean to drink some much needed water. 

She’s lying to Ashlynn’s right, head barely on the beach towel they brought, when Ali comes over and asks to switch places. Christen doesn’t think much of it, just moves over to Ashlynn’s left and lies down, before realising Tobin is now next to her. She glares at Ali who just looks away, a small smile on her face, before she lies down behind Ashlynn, effectively avoiding Christen’s glare. 

They’re all squished a little tight, only a little bit of space on the towel they brought, so her hand rests against Tobin’s hip by accident as she tries to shuffle around. She doesn’t notice at first, until Tobin huffs and grabs her hand, still looking asleep. Christen’s breath catches, and then Tobin is tugging her closer, matching their arms and shoulders up, still holding her hand. 

Christen doesn’t relax, can’t seem to still her mind, and when Kelley grabs a volleyball from somewhere, she’s up, softly pulling away from a sleeping Tobin, and leaving Ali’s burning gaze behind. 

She sticks with Kelley the rest of the day and night, who seems to understand, and even offers to switch seats with her at dinner. Christen says no, but she’s entirely too grateful to her for it. For understanding Christen without her needing to explain. 

The rest of the week is full of Christen leaving the room early and coming back late, avoiding Tobin and staying quiet throughout. They move on, driving the bus down to San Diego, and Chris sits next to Kelley this time. She can see Tobin’s head, next to Alex’s, a few rows in front, and tries not to snort when she sees her almost slip out of her seat after falling asleep. 

She ends up rooming with Abby, her favourite roommate if only because they’re both quiet and neat, and it’s an easy two weeks, she avoids Tobin enough that when they end up pushed together at team dinners, she doesn’t feel her heart in her throat (much). 

They move on, city to city, and the friendlies start becoming more aggressive as the cup looms closer and closer. She doesn’t room with Tobin during that time, but she has a feeling that their distant behaviour on the pitch is going to catch the coaches’ attention eventually. 

They play Mexico, and it’s rough, illegal fouls and yellow cards on six different players just in the first half. Chris is subbed a few minutes after half, while Megan wobbles unsteadily off the field after a dirty tackle. She tries not to let her nerves overtake her, even as she’s knocked down again and again, and tries to just focus on her teammates and the ball. 

In the 68th minute Tobin is taken out by a foot to the back, Christen doesn’t see the actual foul, but she’s somehow next to Tobin in seconds, even though she was across the field. 

“Tobin? Tobin are you okay?” She’s saying, on her knees next to her, voice breathless as Tobin moans and tries to get up. She only manages getting to her hands and knees, before the medic is there telling her to lie down again. She does so, moaning again, and Christen’s breath catches when the medic pulls her shirt up. It’s not bruised yet, but there’s an angry red mark, and everything about it screams painful. 

Kelley tries to pull Christen back, but she shakes her off until Tobin starts to rise again. Kelley huffs, but just keeps holding Christen’s arm while they watch Tobin slowly get to her feet. 

“I’m okay.” She says, but her jaw is clenched tight and when she jumps to try to prove it she flinches. Christen takes an aborted step, before Kelley’s hand on her arm stops her, and then the medic is pulling Tobin to the sidelines, making her wait for the ref to let her in again. 

Christen tried to focus, to get back in the game, but everyone seems to have lost some steam, the fouls lessening and the game almost seeming to slow. It’s not until the ref lets Tobin back in, three minutes later, that Christen really starts to feel anything again. The first feeling is anger, anger and frustration, and while she might usually let that pass, she holds onto it. She uses it in a way she hasn’t since high school, and uses it to push herself. 

They win 1-0, an assist from Megan giving Christen the perfect ball into the upper left corner. At the end, after four minutes of stoppage time, Christen slumps, almost wants to sink to the ground. She can feel tears behind her eyes, and her entire body aches with exhaustion as she walks slowly to the bench. 

Jill smiles, but it’s tight and Christen knows she’ll be getting a talking to about what just happened. But for now she passes her, goes straight into Kelley’s open arms, and the water bottle offered by Abby. She drinks greedily while Kelley runs circles into her back, and eventually a little bit of the tension leaves her shoulders. 

When she finally pulls back, turns to face the pitch again, Tobin is there, looking at her with something new in her eyes, something that looks too much like worry. Not really thinking about it, Christen walks straight to her. 

“How’s you back?” She asks, but winces at the roughness of her voice, how flat it is.

“I’m okay, Chris.” She says, and it sounds more like a promise than anything else really. “I’m fine, it’s just a bruise.”

Christen nods, not sure what to say next, so she squeezes her arm instead, and then pulls away. The tears are back, and all she wants to do is take a shower. Kelley, perfect Kelley, seems to understand just from one look at her face, and pulls her with her towards the locker rooms. 

Christen stands under the shower for longer than anyone else, until her fingers are wrinkled and the cheering fades away. She doesn’t really think about it, about being left behind, but when she comes out and is the only one left, she begins to panic a bit. 

She throws on her clothes a little haphazardly, ignoring her wet hair and grabbing her bag quickly. She only has slides on, so she’s careful not to walk to fast in case she slips, but she hurried out the door and down the hallway a bit. 

The bus is a loud mess when she finally steps on, girls bouncing from seat to seat, and Christen thinks she spots some beers in a few girl’s hands. The only empty seats are next to Tobin in the front and and very shouty Megan in the back, so she sits next to Tobin and hopes they can be quiet on the ride. 

“Are you okay?” Tobin says, and Christen shivers at how close it is to her ear, breath fanning over her neck. She turns before really thinking about it, and their noses brush a little before they both lean back. Christen can feel her cheeks burning, and she looks to the front hoping Tobin won’t notice. 

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You’re the one with an ice pack taped to you.” She says, and her voice still sounds so flat, so unlike her. It sounds like when she used to lose, in high school, and she thought she could feel everyone’s disappointment in her. 

“I’m fine, Chris, I’m really fine.” Tobin says, and there’s a giant hint of exasperation, but mostly it’s soft. “It’s just a bad bruise, I won’t even miss practice.”

“You couldn’t get up Tobin.” Christen says, annoyed all of a sudden. With herself, but also with Tobin for being so calm. “You could have been really hurt.”

Tobin’s hand slides into hers, giving it a quick squeeze before pulling it towards her lap. She rests their hands down, on her left thigh, and as much as Chris hates it she can feel some of her tension ease as Tobin’s thumb strokes over the back of her hand. 

“We’re okay.” Tobin breathes, and Christen finally relaxes into her seat, letting her head fall back. They’re quiet, while the rest of the bus celebrates, and when they’re only a few minutes away from the hotel Tobin speaks up again. “I know you don’t like playing like that anymore, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Christen asks, confused and a little surprised, that even after all this time Tobin can still see through her. 

“I know you Chris,” Tobin’s head rolls to face her again, “I know the expression on your face when you’re mad, and you were furious after I went down. I’m sorry.”

“Tobin,” Christen breathes, letting her head roll to face her, until their noses are only a few inches away from each other, “it’s not your fault. Don’t apologise.”

“If I hadn’t gone down you wouldn’t have been so mad, and you would be happy about your goals right now!”

“It’s still not your fault Tobs, it’s my fault for letting myself get upset.” Christen tries, but Tobin just shakes her head. 

“I’m still sorry, I know you hate playing like that, I know you’ve just started loving the game again. I don’t want this game to ruin that for you.” Her voice is a little broken, and Christen feels her heart clench at it. She doesn’t think, just moves her left hand until it’s touching Tobin’s cheek. 

“It’s not your fault, and I’m going to be fine.” She says it firmly, hoping Tobin will believe her and stop apologising. She lets her thumb stroke Tobin’s cheek, not really thinking about it, but when Tobin’s whole body shudders she freezes. 

They’re too close, noses almost touching, knees pressed together, and Christen can’t help the way her heart beat kicks up. Tobin’s eyes are on hers, steady and strong, searching hers for something Christen doesn’t know the answer too. 

A shout from the back, and then the jerking of the bus as it begins to stop pulls them apart. Christen practically jumps, pulling back too quick and losing her balance for a second before catching herself on the arm rest. She faces forward quickly, grabs her bags and stands, first off the bus and into the hotel. 

“Christen!” Kelley shouts, and she slows enough to let her catch up. “Hey, we’re going to a bar and I know you want to say no but just here me out-“

“I’ll go.” Christen interrupts, and it’s a little funny to see Kelley’s mouth drop open. 

“You will?”

“Yeah, Kell, sounds fun.” She says, and they both know she is lying because a bar has never been Christen’s idea of fun, but Kelley doesn’t question her at least. Christen doesn’t know how to explain why going out is exactly what she needs, why alcohol is exactly what she needs. Thankfully Kelley runs off to ask the next person and Christen disappears into her room without anyone else trying to speak to her. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know this chapter is so short but the next one is coming tomorrow so don’t hate me! I’m a sucker for praise btw so if you like this m please tell me @herstuf on tumblr

Tobin has never been very good at bad games. Her head always gets swept up in it, matching the violence of the other team head on, so when the dirty tackle against Christen almost causes her a foot the the head, Tobin does realise she loses it a bit. She’s tense, angry, and she fights back just as dirty against her defenders, so really the kick to her back shouldn’t be such a surprise, she’s practically been asking for it. 

It is a surprise though, and it is shockingly painful. She’s face down on the ground before she realises it, the pain coming a second later. She groans through it, blinking furiously like it will somehow help, when she sees knees and then Christen’s shorts out of the corner of her eye. 

“Tobin? Tobin, are you okay?” Chris’s terrifies voice floats over her, and she tries to pull herself up, tries to say anything, but all that comes out is another groan. Eventually she gets her arms under her enough to push up, but her back hurts more when she does, and the medic immediately makes her lie back down. 

Her shirt gets pulled up, and the cool evening air feels good on it, even as she groans again. The medic helps her up, and she can just barely see Christen, trying to take a step forward while Kelley’s hand on her arm holds her back. 

“I’m okay.” She manages to grit out, but Christen’s eyes are wet and she knows she can’t fool her. She tries jumping, but winces as it jolts her back, and barely argues as the medic leads her to the sidelines. She forces herself not to look back at Christen, to see the wide eyed concern on her face again. 

She watches the game, slowly stretching out her back again at the medic’s instructions. She watches as Chris makes a borderline illegal tackle, taking the ball more roughly than she ever seen. It’s aggressive, almost mean, and it’s something she hasn’t seen Christen do since they were 16. Christen almost seems fuelled by aggression, and Tobin’s heart stops for a minute when she realises Christen is mad because of her, because she got hurt. 

The ref lets her in a minute later, and she tries her best to show Christen she’s fine, but Chris won’t even look her way, just keeps pushing herself. By the time Megan sends her the ball and Christen sinks it, Tobin’s stomach is clenching and she’s finding herself nervous for Christen’s state of mind. 

At the end of the game she can’t even celebrate, just watches as Kelley holds Christen tight, rubbing circles into her back. They make eye contact, and for the first time in weeks there’s no glare on Kelley’s face, just wide eyed concern. When Christen pulls back and turns to face Tobin, she almost wants her to collapse into her arms like she did with Kelley. 

“How’s your back?” She asks, and Christen’s voice is wrecked, dry and rough. Tobin can seeunshed tears in her eyes. 

“I’m okay, Chris.” She says, promising Chris in a way, willing her to understand that everything is going to be okay. It doesn’t seem to get through. “I’m fine, it’s just a bad bruise.”

Christen just nods, before squeezing her arm for just a second. Tobin wants to pull her in, wants to crush her to her chest, but she’s leaving, Kelley pulling her into the locker rooms. 

By the time Tobin makes it there, after handshakes and talking to the medic again, she expects Christen to be done, maybe waiting in the hallway with some of the other girls. 

Half of the team is celebrating, loud music and cheers, hidden beers being pulled out, while the other half quietly packs and files to the bus. Tobin doesn’t say a word, not until there’s only her, Kelley, and Ali left in the locker room. One of the showers is still going, and they all pretend they can’t hear slight sniffling through the stream of water. 

They leave the room, but Tobin stops Kelley before they can leave. She wants to say something, anything, but doesn’t know how to voice what she’s feeling, and Kelley only stares at her for a minute before getting impatient. 

“I don’t understand the two of you.” She says, her voice annoyed but fond at the same time. “You barely talk in the off season, you barely talk here, and yet any time something happens to one of you the other one is always there, always reacting to it.”

“Kelley I don’t-“

“Yeah I know, you don’t know what I’m talking about. Whatever. Leave a seat next you open, she’s going to want to sit with you on the bus.” She says, hands thrown up in the air briefly before walking down the hall and out the door. 

Tobin follows after a moment, and takes a seat at the front of the bus, away from the celebrators, and leaving the seat next to her open. 

Christen comes out soon after, her face a little red but mostly normal, hair tied up in a wet bun. When she steps on the bus she looks around for a moment, before spotting Tobin and the empty seat. She sits down gently, stowing her bag in the seat and resting her head back against the seat. 

Tobin turns her head to face her, maybe a little too close, because she can smell her citrus shampoo and practically feel the heat coming off her. She doesn’t move though, a little intoxicating by the smell, and lets herself stare for a few seconds before opening her mouth. 

“Are you okay?” She asks, and the way Christen shivers after she says it has her heart beat kicking up. Christen turns, clearly unaware of how close Tobin is, and her nose brushes against Tobin’s for a second before they both lean a little further out of each other’s space. 

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? You’re the one with an ice pack taped to you.” Christen says, and Tobin almost rolls her eyes, but the flatness of Christen’s voice stops her. She sounds lifeless, too tired and monotone. 

I’m fine, Chris, I’m really fine.” She says, only a little exasperated at Christen’s insistence on being obtuse. “It’s just a bad bruise, I won’t even miss practice.”

“You couldn’t get up Tobin.” Christen responds, voice suddenly different, almost angry. “You could have been really hurt.”

The look on Christen’s face takes Tobin’s breath away for a second. Her eyes are wide, a little wet, and there’s not just sadness there but fear. Tobin’s heart clenches as she realises Christen was really scared for her. Before she can put too much thought into it she reaches over and grabs Christen’s hand, squeezing it and then pulling it onto her own thigh. She runs her thumb over the back of it, hoping the rhythm and repetitiveness of it will soother Christen in some way. Christen’s shoulders do seem to relax after a moment, so Tobin keeps doing it. 

“We’re okay.” She says, and Christen’s shoulders slump at that, eyes closing for a brief second. Tobin keeps holding her hand, stroking every once in a while, hoping to keep Christen relaxed. It’s not until they’re almost back that she brings it up again, needing apologise. 

“I know you don’t like playing like that anymore, I’m sorry.” She says, voice soft so as not to be overheard. 

“Why are you sorry?” Christen asks, looking confused and a little nervous.

“I know you Chris,” Tobin’s rolls her head to face her fully, “I know the expression on your face when you’re mad, and you were furious after I went down. I’m sorry.”

“Tobin,” Christen breathes, turning to face her, putting their noses impossibly close again, “it’s not your fault. Don’t apologise.”

“If I hadn’t gone down you wouldn’t have been so mad, and you would be happy about your goals right now!”

“It’s still not your fault Tobs, it’s my fault for letting myself get upset.” Christen says, voice a little wrecked all over again, Tobin furiously shakes her head. 

“I’m still sorry, I know you hate playing like that, I know you’ve just started loving the game again. I don’t want this game to ruin that for you.” She doesn’t mean to say so much, but the way Christen is brushing off her emotions grates on Tobin, and she feels saddened by it. 

When Christen’s hand reaches out to cup her cheek, Tobin freezes. Her heart stops for a second before kicking up again, and she can’t move. 

“It’s not your fault, and I’m going to be fine.” Christen says, voice strong, and starts moving her thumb along her cheek. Tobin shudders, completely involuntarily, and cant help the blush that rises to her cheeks. 

They’re so close to each other, Christen’s nose only a few centimetres away and her mouth so close. She keeps her eyes locked on Christen’s looking for something, anything to tell her what she’s thinking, but they’re just as unsure as Tobin feels. 

Just as Tobin thinks she might lean in, might try pushing their noses together, there’s a shout from the back and the bus starts to slow. They both pull back, nervous and shaken, and Tobin faces forward the rest of the ride. She doesn’t watch as Christen grabs her bag and practically runs off the bus and she doesn’t look for her once she gets off. Instead she heads straight to her own room, giving Allie a “maybe” to going out for drinks with the team.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told you I’d post it today!!! I’ll be out of town for a week with spotty service (yay camping) so there won’t be a spot for a while sorry! Enjoy this though ;)

Tobin does end up going out, only because Allie wouldn’t stop knocking and shouting “Harry come with us!” until she agreed to come. They end up at some dive bar, dark and dingy and feeling completely anonymous in the best way. Tobin only has a few beers, just enough to start feeling fuzzy, when she finds herself alone at one of the tables staring into her empty glass.

Another one slides across the table under her eyes, and she looks up to see Christen’s fingers pushing it towards her. 

“You looked empty.” She says, and her voice is just light enough Tobin knows she’s also had a few drinks. Tobin sends her a small smile, and they sit silently for a bit before Tobin lets the alcohol open her mouth. 

“I miss you.” She says, and Christen’s head snaps up, eyes meeting her in the dim lighting. Kelley and Alex are shouting by the darts, Kelley yelling something about cheaters while Alex laughs and argues. It’s fuzzy and easy to tune out once Tobin actually meets Christen’s eyes. 

“I miss you too.” Christen finally responds, and Tobin lets out a small sigh, grateful for being understood. Christen takes a step closer, and Tobin opens, turning to face her so that Christen’s shoulder is almost against her chest and they’re standing as close as they were sitting on the bus. 

They keep drinking, Christen with a glass of cheap wine and Tobin on her fourth, maybe fifth beer, neither of them moving away from each other. Tobin nearly jumps when Christen shuffles a little, turning and leaning so that her shoulder is just against the inside of Tobin’s, leaning against her lightly. It puts Tobin’s face too close to Christen’s cheek, almost touching it with her nose, and she can’t help but breathe in Christen’s shampoo and perfume. 

She wants to shiver, wants to move closer to Christen, but can’t move, unsure of what is going on and all too willing to let Christen lead the way. The rest of their teammates are scattered around the bar, far away from their corner table, and Tobin could almost forget about them if not for the shouting. Could pretend it’s just her and Christen and their cheap drinks. 

“Tobs.” Christen breathes, and Tobin really does shiver this time, at the way Christen whispers her name. It sounds like a prayer or a wish or something as stupidly hopeful and romantic, and Tobin might be having a heart attack with how fast her heart is beating. 

“Chris.” Tobin whispers back, right into Christen’s ear, and the full body shudder it elicits makes her head swim. Christen leans into her more, and Tobin widens her feet a little to keep them steady. Her nose is against Christen’s cheek now, just brushing it, and she can feel her cheeks getting redder and redder. It’s too easy, moving her head up and down just barely, running her nose against Christen’s cheeks a few times before stilling. 

They’re breathing hard, and at some point they both finished their drinks. Tobin’s head is feeling fuzzier by the second, warm and happy, and it makes her feel bold, bold enough to put an arm around Christen’s waist, to pull her good just a little closer into her, until Chris’s hips are just pushing against her own. 

Christen breathes in shakily, almost a gasp, at the touch, and Tobin can feel a smirk forming on her face. She lets her face push closer, until her lips are just brushing against Christen’s jaw, just barely touching her. Christen’s head tilts back just a little, letting Tobin’s lips brush more firmly against the edge of her jaw. She doesn’t really kiss her, just lets them rest there as the both breathe heavily. 

Christen moves slowly, pushing her hips closer, and Tobin’s fingers flex, accidentally slipping under Christen’s shirt and onto her skin. Her hip is smooth, warm from the bar, and Tobin’s fingers grip tightly into it while Christen’s mouth parts slightly. 

Tobin has no idea what they’re doing, or how long they’ve been sitting in this corner alone, but every second that she touches Christen feels like a burning fire and god she wants to kiss her, she wants to kiss her so badly. 

Christen must be thinking something along the same lines, because she starts turning her head slowly, making Tobin’s lips drags across her jaw towards her chin, until Tobin is pressing small pecks to the side of her chin, just below her mouth. Christen sighs, a small sound that goes straight to Tobin’s head, and her pecks start getting dangerously higher, lips dragging up slightly. 

It’s Christen who finally moves, Tobin leaving her pecks just to the side of her lips, too scared to go further. Christen moves suddenly, just a tilt of her head, and suddenly their lips are pressing together. Tobin feels dizzy, even just from the light pressure, and her fingers tighten on Christen’s hip, accidentally pulling her even closer. Christen turns in her arm, until they’re fully hip to hip and Tobin can feel their breasts pushing together. Her head is spinning, and her lips are almost moving of their own accord, pushing firmer against Christen’s until they’re parting and Chris’s tongue runs against her lower lip. 

Tobin feels her gut clench and her heart skips a beat, and her other arm goes around Christen’s back, pulling her until they’re so close together she’s pretty sure she can feel all of Christen. Chris gasps against her, and she takes the chance to run her tongue against her teeth, and then pushing her way into Chris’s mouth. 

Christen pulls back after a minute, and Tobin feels panic begin to seize at her, before Christen pecks her one more time. Tobin slowly opens her eyes, only to see Christen’s still closed and a small smile on her face. 

“Chris.” She says, voice high and breathless, but Christen just shakes her head. 

“Shh.” She says, and then she’s pulling Tobin, hands slipping from her shoulders (Tobin doesn’t remember when they got there) to her waist, and pulling her closer to the corner of the bar, out the side door. 

Once they make it outside, away from their teammates and the warmth inside, Christen almost seems to lose her nerve. She leans against the wall, biting her lip, and Tobin almost groans at the sight. Her hands leave Christen’s hips, reaching up to cup her face, before leaning in again. 

Christen’s lips are soft, pliant, and when she moans a little against Tobin it goes straight to her head. Tobin slides a leg between Christen’s, pushing her knee to the wall, and pushes herself against Christen again, crowding her against the building. 

It’s hot and heady, and all Tobin can focus on is the feeling of Christen on her lips, under her hands, and grinding down on her thigh. One of her hands falls down, grazing Chris’s breast, before reaching her hip again, and sliding under her shirt. She digs her fingers in, maybe a little too tight because Christen gasps, but then she’s arching into Tobin, and her fingers are massaging, moving all along Christen’s hip and side as she gasps into Tobin’s mouth. 

Tobin’s head drops, resting against Christen’s shoulder while she lets the sounds of their heavy breathing roll over them. She lightly kissing Chris’s neck, smiles when it makes her shiver, before pulling back to look into Chris’s eyes. 

She’s a bit of a mess, wide eyed and hair tangled in Tobin’s hand, eyes heavy lidded and pupils blow. She’s never looked so hot, and Tobin can feel herself getting wet just looking at her. 

“Chris.” She groans out, pressing her lips against hers in a quick peck before pulling back again. “What are we doing?” 

It’s barely a whisper, barely loud enough to hear, but Christen does, and tenses up immediately. She doesn’t try to push Tobin away, but she stops grinding down, and she swallows thickly. 

“I don’t know.” She says eventually, voice shaky and still a little breathless. Tobin nods slightly, before pulling back a little. Christen whimpers as her leg falls away, almost chasing her, and Tobin is took weak, too far gone, to stop herself from pushing her leg back. Christen moans, pushes down against it again, and Tobin forgets completely about their brief words, just presses her lips against Chris’s again. 

It’s only been a few minutes, since they went outside, when they can suddenly hear shouting from around the corner, their teammates calling for them. Tobin pulls back so quick she almost falls, and only Christen’s hands, still holding onto their hips, keeps her from falling. They both clear their throats, stepping away from each other, as Allie and Alex round the corner. 

“There you guys are! Look we’re going back the bus is here someone tattled on us and Dawn is really mad so we have to go! I have your jackets!” Allie gets out in a rush, before turning back around the corner, presumably back to the bus. Alex stays for a second, eyes flicking between them, before she shakes her head and walks back too. 

“I-“ Tobin starts, but Christen puts a hand against her mouth. She quirks an eyebrow, and Christen flushes a bit. 

“Not where they can hear us.” She says, and Tobin nods in understanding. They keep a solid foot and a half between them as they walk around the corner and onto the bus, but the seats are full by the time they get there, and the end up next to each other near the front again. 

When they finally do sit, Tobin almost gasps when she looks at her jeans. There’s a wet spot over her thigh, right where Christen was grinding down. Before she can stop it a small groan falls from her mouth, and Christen looks at her sharply. 

“What?” She asks, but her yes are on Tobin’s lips and it’s a little breathless. 

“My leg, Chris.” She gets out, trying not to show how affected she is by the idea of Christen being so wet for her. Christen’s eyes flick down before her cheeks bloom red, and Tobin bites her lip to keep from leaning to kiss Christen. 

“Oops?” Christen says, eyes flicking up but head down, looking up at Tobin through her lashes. It’s incredibly hot and Tobin digs her nails into her thigh to stop any reaction she might have. She lets out a measured breath before peeking between their seats to see who’s behind them. 

It’s just Ali, asleep on Ashlynn’s shoulder, so Tobin takes the chance and leans forward. She kisses Christen’s neck lightly, just under her ear, and the shiver she gets in response is totally worth the glare Christen sends after. Tobin smirks and faces forward, waiting for the bus to leave while Christen huffs next to her. 

About halfway through the ride Christen starts to slump down, head falling onto Tobin’s shoulder. She’s not fully asleep, Tobin doesn’t think, but she’s relaxed and her breathing is calm. Tobin lifts her hand, running it up and through Christen’s hair a few times before letting herself relax as well, head back against the seat back. 

The bus comes to a stop not long after, and she gently shakes Christen, helping her sit up fully before they stand to file off. They’re one of the first off, so they miss the looks from some of their teammates behind them, as they watch Tobin’s hand hover just a little on Christen’s back while they walk into the hotel. 

They part without a word, teammates all around them, but they smile at each other as Tobin passes by, down towards her room. 

Tobin falls asleep with a smile on her face, and the smell of Christen’s shampoo lingering on her jacket. 

~~~

Christen does not drink during the season as a rule. It makes her head ache and stomach roll, but last night she needed it and even though her head is pounding this morning she doesn’t really regret it at all. She smiles a little as she rolls over, stretching and sitting up. 

Ali is still gone, crashed in Ashlynn’s room, so Christen has the room to herself as she gets up and starts a short yoga flow. She tries to steady her mind, to focus on her breathing, but every time she starts to slip into a slightly meditative state her mind slips to last night and all she can think of is the feeling of light lips on her neck and Tobin’s leg between hers. 

Christen eventually gives up, sitting back on the bed and flopping down to stare at the ceiling. She doesn’t know what to think, or even how to think, about last night and what happened. Every time she does she can feel a flush on her chest and cheeks, and she just hopes she can start to get it under control by the time breakfast begins. 

A knock on the door shakes her from her thoughts, and she gets up slowly to open it. She doesn’t look through the peep hole, instead just opening it, and the breath is knocked out of her by a pyjama clad Tobin. 

“Tobin?” She questions, but before she can get another word out Tobin is pushing through the door and into the room. Christen follows a little cluelessly until Tobin huffs and sits on her bed. Christen stands in front of her, looking down in confusion. 

“I never want to room with Ashlynn again.” She says, and the sound of her voice, all sleepy and annoyed makes Christen giggle. 

“What happened?”

“I woke up to the two of them... you know.” She says, face turning red. Christen barks out a sudden laugh, hand coming up to clap over her mouth as she stares at Tobin with wide eyes. 

“They didn’t? With you in the room!” She says, almost giddy at how hysterically bad it is. 

“Stop laughing!” Tobin says, but there’s a smile pulling at her face as she rolls her eyes. Christen giggles a little again and Tobin groans, which just sets Christen off further. 

Tobin stands suddenly, and her hands reach out, one to Christen’s hip, pulling her roughly so that Christen stumbles and falls into her lap. She’s still giggling, picturing Tobin waking up to that, when Tobin’s mouth slides over hers, effectively stopping the laughter. 

Like last night, Christen feels her stomach drop from under her, swooping like on a roller coaster, and her head gets dizzy. Tobin’s hand digs into her hip again, pleasure arching up Christen’s spine at the feeling of it, and she moans into Tobin’s mouth. She’s unsteady, and when Tobin pulls her just a little closer she loses her balance, accidentally pushing Tobin flat onto the bed. 

Tobin pulls back as they land, letting out a gentle puff of air, while Christen tries to balance herself with hands on either side of Tobin’s head. Their legs are tangled up, and Christen can feel Tobin’s left hip between hers, and the muscles of her thigh. They’re both wearing shorts, Christen’s tiny silk sleep shorts and Tobin’s longer cotton ones, but the feeling of her bare leg has Christen grinding down just a little. 

Tobin’s hand flexes again, pulling Christen’s hip down, so that they’re fully grinding against each other, and Christen’s breath gets caught in her throat at the feeling of it. She leans down, capturing Tobin’s bottom lip softly between her teeth, before pulling and biting a little harder. 

The moan that Tobin lets out, low from her throat and unrestrained, makes Christen grind down harder, heat pooling below her stomach. Christen releases her lip, Tobin’s head falling back against the bed, and she takes the opportunity to kiss Tobin’s throat, and then collarbone. Tobin shivers, and her other hand comes up into Christen’s hair, tangling in it and pulling just enough to pull her off Tobin’s throat and to her lips. 

Christen gasps as Tobin flips them suddenly, driving a leg harder between Christen’s, making her back arch, pressing their chests together. Her mouth stays open, practically panting as Tobin kisses all along her throat, nipping and sucking every once in a while. 

Christen’s alarm rings suddenly and Tobin freezes , before falling slack against Christen. Her alarm keeps going in the background as they both try to get their breath back, before Tobin finally rolls off her and to the side, reaching for the phone. She shuts it off and they sit there in silence for a moment. 

“What are we doing?” Tobin asks, again, and Christen still doesn’t have an answer for her. Not one that she can give her anyways, because as much as Christen knows how she feels, she also knows she can’t say it, not now. Not now that she’s has this, an echo of what she wants.

“I don’t know.” She says instead, and she feels Tobin nod next her, before taking a deep breath. 

“Do you went to keep doing it?” Tobin whispers, voice more unsure than Christen has ever heard it. Fondness rises in her, and she doesn’t second guessing rolling over on top on Tobin, legs on either side of her hips, face leaning down. 

“God, yes.” She whispers, just before pressing her lips back into Tobin’s and pressing her down into the bed. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello I’m back! Camping was fun, and we had service so I didn’t even miss the PTFC game! This is coming to a close pretty soon, maybe one or more chapters left to go! I’m thinking I might to something Emily X Kelley next, in this universe, so let me know what y’all think!

They manage not to talk about it through the World Cup, through the final game and ceremony, even when Tobin almost kisses Christen on the field, only just managing to stop herself and wrap an arm around her instead, hugging her close as they watch the confetti fall.

They haven’t gone much further than making out, occasionally shirtless, and once Christen was wearing a dress that Tobin couldn’t help peeling off her. But Tobin is too afraid to go further than that, too aware of how truly and fully wrecked she’ll be if she does let it happen and then Christen tells her she doesn’t want to be with her. 

Because all Tobin can really think about anymore is Christen, her lips and hair and hips, and how well and truly ruined she is by the way she feels about her. Christen doesn’t say anything, not a word or hint about how she feels, and Tobin gets more and more worked up the further it goes on. By the final win against Japan, Tobin can only focus on anything else when she’s got a ball at her feet. 

She actually feels lucky about that, the fact that even when her mind is so consumed by Christen, she’s able to turn it off when she steps on the pitch. It becomes a sort of lifeline for her, the only time of peace when Christen’s lips finally leave her mind and instead Christen is just her teammate, the same girl she’s been playing soccer with since they were kids. 

But now the cup is over, and they’re all celebrating, too many beers and vodka shots in each of them to really be coherent or aware of anything, and Tobin has probably drank too much, but she can’t regret it because she has her arms around Christen’s waist, head on her shoulder, and all Tobin feels is happy. 

Christen is holding Tobin’s wrists, cradling them almost, against her stomach, and they’re lightly swaying in the corner of the club. There are people everywhere, congratulating the team and buying everyone drinks. Tobin thinks Christen is on her fourth vodka coke, but she lost count of her own drink count a while back, so she’s not really sure. Her head is overly fuzzy, and time keeps skipping, but right here and now she feels present, feels aware. 

Maybe it’s that, maybe it’s the soft awareness that she and Christen are together, separate from the rest of the party, or maybe it’s just that she’s been bursting to say it for so long now, that it just slips out. 

She has her nose buried in Christen’s shoulder, forehead against her neck, and she tries to say it just quiet enough that Christen won’t hear. Except Tobin is very drunk, and isn’t very good at being quiet even when sober, so when it does slip out, it’s a lot louder than the whisper she intends. 

“I love you.” It falls from her easily, right into Christen’s skin, and when it is loud, almost at a regular talking volume, she panics. Christen immediately freezes in her arms, her breath stilling, and Tobin has never felt so scared in her life. 

She’s about to apologise, to take it back or say something, but then, just as suddenly as she froze, Christen relaxes, leans further into Tobin, letting her head fall back onto Tobin’s shoulder so she can smile up at her. 

“I love you too.” She whispers, and Tobin’s heart skips a beat, nearly stops completely. She wraps her arms tighter around christen, pulling her as close as she can, and dips her head back down, kissing Christen’s shoulder lightly. 

They’re too public, Tobin knows that, but the desire to pull Christen in, to really kiss her, is almost burning. Instead she rubs her thumbs over Christen’s hip, pulls her just a little closer. Christen’s eyes close briefly, squeezing Tobin’s wrists tightly. 

“SHOTS!” Someone yells suddenly, and the entire team starts moving towards the bar. Tobin sighs, before letting Christen go so they can join the team, avoid any suspicion. It only takes two shots before Tobin’s mind fully slips away, the memory of the night going with it. 

~~~

Tobin wakes up in Kelley’s bed, Christen beside her, with Kelley and Allie asleep on Allie’s bed. 

Tobin has no idea what happened last night, but her head is pounding and when her stomach starts to roll she barely makes it to the bathroom in time. After, as she’s washing her mouth out, Christen comes running in and empties her stomach just like Tobin had. Tobin places a hand against her back, trying to soothe her, because Christen certainly has more fluid coming out than she did, and certainly looks worse. 

Eventually they’re both cleaned up, mouths washed out and leaning against the bathroom sink. 

“I don’t remember anything.” Christen whispers and Tobin nods her head in agreement. 

“Me either.” Tobin says, voice strikingly scratchy. They both look at each other after and burst into giggles, and Tobin grabs Christen’s hip as she’s doubles over with laughter. 

When she comes back up, Christen’s eyes are light and fond, glued on to Tobin’s face, and she feels happy, well and truly happy. 

“I would kiss you but we both just threw up.” Tobin says, which makes Christen laugh again and nod her head. They leave the bathroom after a moment, Tobin leading with Christen’s hand in hers. She’s forgotten about Kelley and Allie asleep on the other bed, and when they come back into the room still holding hands, the two of them are sitting up, arms crossed and glaring at them. 

“Good morning.” Allie says, but her voice is cold and eyes hard. Tobin stops and drops Christen’s hand, who takes an unsubtle step away from her. 

“The two of you are in so much trouble.” Kelley says, and Tobin tries to wrack her brain to figure out what they’re talking about, but she still can’t remember anything from the night before.

“I don’t-“ Christen tries to say but Kelley just holds a hand up, silencing her. 

“Sit down.” Kelley says, pointing to her bed, and they both sink down slowly. Tobin glances at Christen, but she’s staring straight at Kelley, so she turns back to face the two girls. 

“What’s going on?” Christen says slowly, looking at Kelley. 

“Don’t play innocent.” Allie says, still glaring. 

“Yeah!” Kelley shouts. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know what this is about!”

“I-I really don’t.” Christen says faintly, Tobin looks over briefly to see her eyes narrowed and a deep frown on her face. 

“Christen, I can’t believe you kept this from me. For months!”

“And you,” Allie points at Tobin, “you’re my Harry, how could you not tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Tobin bursts, annoyed now. 

“That you two are dating!” Kelley shouts, pointing a finger between them. Tobin chokes on air, shocked and more than a little worried about what happened last night. 

“W-what?” Christen says, voice quiet and strained. Tobin fights the urge to reach for her hand or to rub her back or comfort her at all. 

“I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You’re supposed to be my best friend!” Kelley says, arms crossed and pouting. Tobin can tell she’s not really mad, is mostly joking, but she’s still trying to wrap her head around the idea of really dating Christen so it’s doesn’t really process. 

“We’re not dating”. Tobin says, and prays nobody else can tell how sad she is about that. How much she wishes they were. How much she wants them to be. 

“Yeah right.” Allie scoffs, and Tobin frowns at her. 

“We’re not.” Christen says, and her voice is completely blank, unlike anything Tobin has heard from her before. She wants to look over, wants to see if she has any expression on her face, but she keeps her eyes on Allie’s, silently begging for her to let it go.

“Friend don’t kiss each other like that.” Kelley just says, and Tobin looks at her in time to catch the end of an eye roll. 

“We’re not dating.” Christen says again, this time her voice firm. Kelley opens her mouth, but before she can say another word Christen gets up and walks out of the room. Tobin watches her go, and she can feel the wrecked expression on her face, can feel how angry and heartbroken she must look. 

“I’m sorry.” Allie says, and Tobin looks back to see her frowning at Tobin. “It’s just when that girl came up to you last night and Christen came up and kissed you right in front of her we just assumed you two were-“

“What girl?” Tobin interrupts, mind completely blank to any interaction. Allie tilts her head, frowning, and Tobin sighs. “Allie, I don’t remember anything from last night, neither does Christen.”

“Oh.” Kelley says, eyes going wide. “Oh shit.”

She stands, moving across the room quickly an out the door. Tobin guesses to follow Christen, but her focus goes back to alike. 

“What happened last night?”

~~~

Christen is very drunk, this she knows, but she thinks she might be more drunk off the feeling of Tobin’s hands brushing her back, her waist, her hand, her anything throughout the night, than the amount of alcohol she’s consumed. She’s fuzzy, mind going in and out, and the only semi-clear moment of the night is Tobin’s whispered confession and her response.

She feels like she’s floating on air, and the shots definitely don’t bring her back down to earth. She’s flirting around, talking group to group in small bursts, trying to find Tobin again, when she overhears Alex and and Megan talking and pointing to the bar. 

“Twenty bucks she tries to bring that girl back to the hotel.” Megan is saying, and Alex scoffs. 

“As if. She’s not interested.” Alex says, voice full of drunken authority. Christen moves a little close, subtly listening to their gossip. 

“What do you mean? She’s exactly Tobin’s type!” Megan says, and Christen goes cold, eyes suddenly frantically looking for Tobin. 

She finds her against the bar, near the corner, with a tall brunette leaning in close to her. The brunette is obviously flirting, hand brushing against Tobin’s arm and mouth quirked in a smirk. Tobin pulls away, uncomfortable, tries to turn away, but the woman doesn’t seem to get the hint, just tries leaning forward again. 

Christen doesn’t know when she started moving, but suddenly she’s slipping her arm around Tobin’s waist, leaning into her side. She doesn’t care that Megan and Alex are definitely watching, that half the team is probably watching. All she cares about is making sure the brunette leaves Tobin alone. 

“Hi, I’m Christen.” She says, voice cold and her other hand coming to rest low on Tobin’s stomach, almost on her hip. The woman straightens immediately, sizing Christen up as she pulls away. 

“Hello, I’m-“

“That’s nice, you can leave now.”Christen interrupts her, before stepping between her and Tobin, turning to face Tobin as she does. Tobin snorts at her words, eyes on christen’s face and a small smile there. It couldn’t be a clearer dismissal, form both of them, and yet the woman stays, has the gall to giggle at Christen’s back, and then lean to the side to look at Tobin again. 

“Nice friend you have there.” She says, and Tobin stiffens, while Christen cranes her neck slightly to face the woman. 

“Do we really look like just friends?” Christen asks, and feeling emboldened by the little bit of shock on the woman’s face, continues on. “I think you should leave now.”

The woman does, finally, and Christen huffs our a deep sigh before turning back to face Tobin. Tobin is looking at her wide eyed, but she’s laughing a little and it makes Christen smile at her. 

“Feeling possessive?” Tobin teases, mouth twisting into a smirk, and Christen rolls her eyes. 

“Maybe just a little.” She says, before leaning in to kiss Tobin deeply. She doesn’t think about her teammates or the other party goers, just Tobin and Tobin’s soft lips. The night fades away from her again after that. 

When Christen wakes up in the morning she doesn’t catalog her surroundings before she’s running to the bathroom, barely even takes note of Tobin already in there before she’s leaning over the toilet. 

Once she’s emptied her stomach and rinsed her mouth out some, she leans back against the counter and looks over at Tobin. 

““I don’t remember anything.” She whispers and Tobin nods. 

“Me either.” Tobin says, her voice scratchy and raw. Chris looks at her, and they both burst into giggles, Christen doubling over with it after a second. 

When she rises back up, Tobin is looking at her fondly and Christen feels a pang in her chest, like a tugging of a memory for my the night before. It floats away quickly, but Christen isn’t bothered by it, because in this moment she feels happy and calm. 

“I would kiss you but we both just threw up.” Tobin says, voice still scratchy, and making Christen laugh again. 

When they make it back out, and when Kelley confronts them about the night before, Christen feels her heart start to sink.

We’re not dating”. Tobin says, and Christen feels it echo in her chest, like a rock tugging her down and down, and she can feel herself closing off, shutting down. It hurts so much more than she ever could have prepared for.

“Yeah right.” Allie scoffs, and Christen looks to the ground.

“We’re not.” She says, keeping her voice perfectly blank, not wanting anyone in the room to see exactly how wrecked she is, how ruined she is by knowing Tobin doesn’t want to really be with her. 

“Friend don’t kiss each other like that.” Kelley says, and Christen has to clench her fists to keep from bursting out something she might regret. 

“We’re not dating.” Christen says again, making her voice firm, and looking Kelley dead in the eyes. Kelley’s mouth opens, but Christen doesn’t care, can’t care, forces herself to get up and leave, to get out of the room before she starts crying. 

She makes it only a few feet down the hallway, before she’s leaning against the wall and letting tears stream down her face. She’s just getting them under control, levelling her breathing, when Kelley grabs her arm. 

“I’m sorry.” Kelley whispers, and it sets Christen off again. Kelley puts an arm around her, starts walking them slowly back to their room, while Christen cries into her shoulder. 

“I love her.” Christen whispers once they’re inside, and Kelley pulls back to look at her with a raised eyebrow.

“No offence Chris, but that’s not news.” She says it gently, but it still cuts Christen a bit. 

“Maybe not but it still hurts.” She says, voice hollow and wet. 

“Why does it hurt?” Kelley asks, voice full of confusion. 

“Because you heard her!” Christen waves her hand towards the hallway. “We’re not dating, she doesn’t want to date me. She just wants to make out and have fun, and I’m in love with her. I’m going insane here.”

Kelley blinks at her slowly for a second, before bursting out laughing. Christen frowns, sitting on the bed and pulling her knees up to her chest, glaring at Kelley. 

“This isn’t funny.” She says, and something in her voice must get through, because Kelley stops laughing immediately. 

“I’m not laughing at you.” She pauses and cocks her head slightly. “Well I am, but I’m not laughing at how you feel.”

“What the fuck are you laughing at then.” She asks, voice cold, and Kelley straightens up, gets serious again. 

“I just don’t understand you two.” She throws her hands in the air. “I swear you’ve been in love with each other for a decade, it’s just- it’s fucking hilarious that you think she doesn’t love you.”

Christen blinks at her slowly, completely confused. She starts shaking her head, but Kelley puts her hands on either side of her face to stop her. 

“I am telling you, Tobin Heath has been in love with you for years. And you have been in love with her. Literally the entire team knows, even Jill knows. You two are the only clueless ones here.”

“I-what?” Christen gets out, voice strangled. Kelley just sighs and shakes her head, before straightening up and grabbing a room key. 

“Stay here.” She says, before leaving the room. Christen stares, a little dumbstruck at the wall, before letting herself lay down and put her head on the pillows. 

She doesn’t mean to fall asleep, but she does, and her dreams are full of flashes from the night before, dreamed up wishes of her drunken jealousy and Tobin’s words. When she wakes up she feels disoriented, tries to roll over only to be trapped by an arm around her waist. 

It’s a familiar arm, and she slowly rolls herself under it, until she’s facing Tobin’s sleeping face.She’s soft in sleep, face relaxed and tiny little snores coming out every other exhale. It’s soothing, watching her, and Christen feels a weight in her chest slowly ease, relaxing her until she falls asleep again. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, it’s been a hot minute! I’ve got grad school, my girlfriend moving states, my brother started college, and I honestly just didn’t know where I wanted this story to keep going. This is not the end, but I’m not sure yet when I’ll finish it. Could be another month, could be tomorrow! Thank y’all for sticking with it ❤️

“What happened last night?” Tobin asks, and Allie shifts uncomfortably. 

“Uh, well there was some woman at the bar, I think she was trying to flirt with you or something, I wasn’t really watching. But then Christen was kind of crossing the room really fast, and then she was sliding between you two, and I don’t know what she said to her but the woman walked out and left the bar completely. And then you guys were kissing and I lost twenty bucks.”

“I don’t remember any of that.” Tobin says, and then jerks her head a bit at Allie’s words. “You lost twenty dollars? What, did you bet on us or something?”

“Yeah of course, the whole team did. Like when we bet on Ali and Ashlyn.” She says with a shrug. 

“Allie why would you guys be betting on us?”

“Why wouldn’t we?” She asks and Tobin just scoffs. “No seriously, we’ve been waiting for you guys to get it together for years.”

Tobin pauses for a minute, blinking at Allie in confusion. She can’t process what she’s saying, doesn’t even know how to interpret it. 

“Wait,” Allie says, straightening up and leaning forwards towards Tobin, “oh my god you’re really clueless aren’t you. You have no idea.” 

“No idea about what?” Tobin asks, voice exasperated. Allie just shakes her head and then looks to the ceiling, like she might be praying or something. 

“Tobin you’re in love with Christen.” Allie says, and Tobin’s breath hitches. She looks away from Allie, not ready to see the open and kind expression on her face,it ready for her to see the truth in her own face, and definitely not ready to hear any of this. 

“It doesn’t matter if I am or not.” Her voice is soft, almost a whisper, and Allie straightens a little. 

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? It’s the only thing that matters right now?” Allie says and Tobin sighs, turning back to face her confused gaze. “You’re in love with each other of course that matters?” 

“No, Allie, we’re not in love with each other.” Tobin says, and holds up a hand when Allie tries to interrupt. “I’m in love with Christen, I’ve been in love with Christen. But it doesn’t matter, because she’s not in love with me. She never has been and that’s that.”

“I- Tobin what?” Allie says, voice cracking, and Tobin thinks she might be about to cry. Tobin looks away again, because if she sees Allie cry it will release her own tears and she doesn’t want that. “Tobin how could you even think that?”

“Think what? The fucking truth?” She throws her hands up half heartedly before rubbing them against her face. She looks back to Allie, who’s scowling at her now. “What?”

“You’re a fucking dumbass.” Allie says, but before she can continue the door opens again, and Kelley comes back in. 

“Take this and go comfort your girlfriend. You two are a serious mess.” Kelley says, tossing a keycard that Tobin barely catches, scrambling and pulling it to her chest. 

“What?” Tobin says, a little lost, and Kelley huffs. 

“I don’t know what’s going on but Christen is crying in our room because she thinks you don’t love her back and you need to go fix that.” Tobin is up before she even finishes speaking, moving towards the door. She doesn’t fully notice the way Allie and Kelley look at her, or even think about how she should probably stay and figure out what Allie was saying. She just leaves, mind hyper focused on the idea of Christen crying and her need to fix it. 

When she does reach the room she debates knocking, but decides to just enter, slowly closing the door behind her and stepping cautiously into the room. She relaxes at the sight of a sleeping Christen, little stuffy snores coming out of her, probably from the crying. Tobin’s heart twinges and she watches from the corner for a second, debating with herself. 

The desire wins out, and she crawls behind Christen, trying not to think about how even in her sleep Christen snuggles closer to her, body wiggling until they’re flush against each other. Tobin expects her anxiety to keep her up, worries and thoughts about everything too much for her, but she surprises herself by falling into a deep sleep within minutes, holding Christen tight. 

“Hey.” The whisper shakes Tobin groggily awake, opening her eyes slowly. She’s got her arms wrapped around Christen, one under her neck and one around her waist, and Christen is facing her with a small smile on her face. 

“Hi.” Tobin whispers back, and Christen’s smile grows. She’s beautiful, and Tobin’s still too tired to be thinking clearly, so she leans forward without conscious thought. Their lips brush, and Christen lets out a tiny sigh that goes straight to Tobin’s head. Her hand pulls up from Christen waist, to cup her cheek and pull her in a little closer. 

Christen shuffles until she’s leaning against Tobin, body pressed against hers, their chests flushed together. One of her legs slides over Tobin’s, and the other slides between her so that they’re tangled completely together. 

Tobin parts her mouth easily when Christen tongue runs across her lips, sighing a little into it. Their tongues tangle lazily, and even though they both taste a little like sleep, it’s soft and good and it’s everything Tobin wants forever.

Of course thinking that brings the fear and panic back up, and she has to pull back and away to breathe properly for a second. Christen lets out a tiny whimper, and it takes everything Tobin has not to pull her back in. Instead she opens her eyes and brushes Christen’s cheek, waiting for her to open her eyes and look at her. 

“Hi.” She says once Christen’s eats finally do open. “I think we probably need to talk.”

Christen goes tense under her arms, but Tobin holds tight when she tried to pull away, hooking her ankles behind her legs, keeping her arms firm around her waist. Christen huffs but at least stops trying to run away, looking back up at Tobin with a closed off expression. 

“I don’t remember much from last night,” Tobin says, “and I know you said you don’t either, but Allie told me a few things. So did Kelley, kind of.”

“What did they tell you?” Christen asks, voice coming out a little scratchy from sleep. It tugs on Tobin, making her want to smile and push the hair out of her face, but she refrains, doesn’t think Christen would appreciate it with what she’s about to say. 

“Allie told me that you got jealous last night and kissed me in front of everybody, just to make some woman disappear.” She starts with the easier subject, which was probably a good choice, because Christen’s eyes go wide in panic but a snort comes out. 

“I did what now?” She says, twitching on a smile and Tobin giggles. 

“Well, she told me you got between me and some woman at the bar, and whatever you said to her made her leave completely.” Tobin pauses, Christen raises her eyebrows, waiting for her to continue. “And then we were kissing, in front of everybody.” 

Christen groans loudly, and pushes her head down so it’s buried between Tobin’s shoulder and the bed. Tobin chuckles, and lets herself bring her hand up to push the hair off her neck and away form her face. Christen turns, peeking back up, and Tobin really can’t help it, she can’t, she just automatically leans down and kisses her cheek softly. But Christen smiles at her once she pulls back, so at least she hasn’t done anything completely wrong, yet. 

“I would be embarrassed but I don’t want to think about it. What else did they tell you.” Christen fidgets a little, bringing her hands up between them, tangling in Tobin’s shirt and fidgeting with it. 

“Right well,” Tobin swallows, and turns her eyes up to the wall so she’s not facing Christen. “Allie called me a dumbass, sorta, and then Kelley came in and said something, so now I think I need to say something about what they were telling me to say except I’m not fully sure how to say it because it’s something important but I don’t want to mess this up but I think we need to talk about it and-“

“Tobin breathe!” Christen interrupts and Tobin does, taking in a big lungful of air. 

“Sorry.” She says, flicking her eyes down to Christen who’s looking at her with scared eyes, holding her shirt tightly. It hurts to see her looking like that, and Tobin makes herself swallow and square up. 

“What did Kelley say?” Christen asks before Tobin can start again, and she deflates a little, eyes going back to the wall. 

“Well she gave me her room key, and she told me to come and comfort you,” she takes in another breath, “because she said you were crying because you thought I didn’t love you.”

Christen goes tense again under her arms, and this time Tobin lets her pull away, too afraid to make the wrong move and ruin everything. 

“Chris-“ she tries, but Christen just shakes her head and Tobin closes her mouth. 

“It’s okay, you know, that you don’t love me, but I just don’t think I can do this anymore.” Tobin opens her mouth but Christen continues before she can get a word in. “It’s painful for me, and it would be cruel for both of us to keep going.”

“Seriously?” Tobin huffs, suddenly angry and annoyed by Christen’s absolute stupidity. “Are you serious right now?”

Christen turns to her with a hurt expression, but Tobin just pulls herself up, sitting herself cross legged and looking down and Christen. She looks vulnerable and scared, and Tobin’s anger fades, leaving her with a mix of sadness and annoyance. 

“Christen Press, I think we are both idiots.” She says, and it’s the wrong thing to say based on how Christen’s face shuts down. So she tries again, with a different approach. “Did you know the entire team has been betting on us?”

“What?” Christen asks, pushing up on her elbows with raised eyebrows. “Since when.”

“I don’t know, but I guess Allie lost $20 over us kissing last night.” She says and Christen smiles a little. It fades quickly into a frown though, and she glares our at the wall across the room. 

“Why would they bet on us?”

“Because according to Allie we’re the only two who haven’t been able to figure out we’re in love with each other.” It’s a bold statement, and Christen’s eyes go wide, before turning to look at her in confusion. 

“I don’t- what are you saying?” She asks, and Tobin forces herself to take a deep breath and keep her eyes on Christen. 

“Chris,” she sighs out, fisting her hands in the sheet for some kind of grounding, “I’ve been love with you for a very long time.”

“What.” Christen chokes out, voice flat in surprise and disbelief, and Tobin smiles slightly at her. 

“I’m in love with you. I have been for a while. I was just too scared to tell you because I didn’t think you could ever feel the same way.” 

“I do!” Christen says sharply, sitting up and leaning towards Tobin, grabbing her wrists. “I do feel the same way.”

“I know.” Tobin smiles at her, and lets go of the sheets to bring her hands up to cup Chris’s face. “I know that now, and I’m sorry it took me so long to say something.”

“No, I’m sorry it took me so long. I just never really thought you would and I’ve been too much of a coward to say anything at all. I was afraid you would leave me again.” Tobin flinches, because she knows Christen is talking about college and even though it was almost a decade ago Tobin knows she never handled that well, and it took them years to get back to being friends. 

“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t handle that well and I should have tried to fix it sooner.” She tries and Christen shakes her head. 

“It’s okay, I’m not actually mad about that anymore. I was just scared.” She looks down, still holding onto Tobin’s wrists tightly, before looking back up. “We never talked about that though, and I didn’t know how to bring it up without ruining things.”

“Do you want to talk about it now?” Tobin asks, body finally relaxing a bit knowing that Christen isn’t about try and run away. 

“Maybe not right this second, but someday?” She asks, and Tobin nods, smiling. 

“Okay, anytime you want.” Christen smiles at her, but it fades quickly and she looks away. 

“I know it’s a little pathetic to ask this, but how long have you known?” Christen asks, and Tobin tilts her head in confusion. “Know that you... love me?”

“Oh.” Tobin breathes out, blinking rapidly and looking down. She pulls both her hands and Christen’s down between their laps, shifting so they’re lightly holding hands. “I’m not sure that there was ever a specific moment where I haven’t loved you? If that makes sense?”

“Kind of?” Christen says and sighs. “I guess I more meant when did you know that it meant something now? I don’t really know what I’m asking, I’m sorry.”

“No it’s okay. I think its just that, there’s a lot of different times when I realised it. I knew I loved you when you came to visit me in Portland. I think that’s when it first became a solid fact in my mind. But it only really hit me when we were on the bus after the Mexico game.” Christen flinches slightly, so Tobin rubs her thumbs over her hands trying to comfort her. “I think, that I never really had a choice. I’ve known you almost my entire life Chris, you’re inevitable to me.”

“Inevitable?” Christen smirks and Tobin laughs. 

“Okay yeah that was cheesy. But it’s true.” She smiles softly down at the bed, before looking back up to Christen’s face. “Is it childish to say your turn?”

“No.” Christen snorts, but then gets serious and her face falls into anxiety again. Tobin squeezes their hands but she doesn’t look up or relax. “I kind of knew in Portland, it was in the back of my head. But I was distracted by how much I liked the city, so I made myself not think about it.” She takes in a deep breath and shifts a little. “Do you remember the friendly against Costa Rica, before we started qualifiers?”

“Yeah of course, it was a fun game.” She says and Christen snorts. 

“You think every game is fun.”

“That’s not true!” Tobin says, indignant, but Christen just shakes her head. “Fine its a little true.” Christen’s snorts again, but quickly turns serious, looking back down to the bed. 

“That’s when I realised it was a problem.” She says, and Tobin cocks her head to the side. Christen huffs a little but continues. “I was jealous, of Shirley. Even though you guys had broken up she was still hugging you and I was annoyed. And I realised that I had to stop talking to you in order to get over you. Except then when we came back to camp Ali made us roommates, and then the game against Mexico and it was all just... there.”

Christen heaves a big sigh, pulling her hands out of Tobin’s to rub over her face. She drops the back to her lap and finally looks back up at Tobin, eyes sad. 

“I loved you when I was in high school, and I loved you when I was in college, but I’m in love you now.” She says, and Tobin smiles brightly at her. 

“Now who’s being cheesy.” She says and it has its desired effect, Christen laughs, and some of the tension leaves her shoulders. 

“We’re kind of a mess, you know that right?” Christen asks and Tobin nods. 

“Yeah, but at least we’re figuring it out now.” She says, and Christen smiles before leaning in to kiss her lightly. 

~~~

“So?” Kelley asks when they walk out that afternoon. She and Allie are both leaning against the wall, arms crossed, and Tobin snorts. 

“You guys look like exasperated parents. How long have you been waiting for us to come out?” She says and Allie rolls her eyes but her mouth twitches in a small smile. 

“Doesn’t matter, have you guys figured yourselves out?” Kelley asks, pushing off the wall and taking a few steps closer to them. 

“Yes Kelley, we’re fine.” Christen says, tugging on Tobin’s hand so she’ll follow. Kelley and Allie fall in behind them, as they walk toward the elevator.

“I’m starving who wants,” Tobin checks her watch, “lunch and dinner? Linner? Dunch?”

“How about just food?” Christen’s says and Tobin smiles at her. 

“Who wants food?” She asks, not listening for a response as they head into the elevator. They only make it a floor down before it opens again to half the team. 

“Holy shit.” Alex says, running into the elevator. “Everyone owes me $20! I told you it would be casual hand holding in a hotel!”

“No! That’s not fair what about last night?” Someone shouts and Alex starts shaking her head. 

“Doesn’t count, they were drunk! This is them completely sober and you all owe me $20.”

Alex holds out her hand and everyone groans, but starts placing money in it. Christen and Tobin look at each other with raised eyebrows before Tobin starts laughing. Christen joins eventually, the two of them laughing in the back of the elevator as everyone else pulls out twenties and hands them to Alex. 

“So are you gonna give us some of that?” She asks Alex, who glares at the two of them. Christen buries her laugh in Tobin’s shoulder and Alex glares even harder. 

“I’ve been waiting for you two to get your shit together since college, you don’t get squat.” She crosses her arms and turns away from them. Tobin laughs and Christen keeps chuckling into her shoulder while the rest of the team tries to subtly watch them. 

“In that case, don’t you think we should split it?” Kelley says, making Alex snort and wag her finger in her face. 

“Your bet was after the final, you don’t win squat.” Alex says, but Tobin sees her slip Kelley a few twenties with a smile. 

They end up taking over some diner down the road, the team squeezing into booths. She and Christen end up with Ali and Ashlyn, which doesn’t feel like an accident. 

“Do you think we were as awful to watch as they were?” She whispers to Christen, nodding to Ali and Ashlyn, who are arguing over which plates to share. 

“God I hope not.” Christen says with wide, horrified eyes. It sends Tobin into a laughing fit, and Christen slaps her shoulder to try and get her to stop. 

They don’t stay at the diner long, everyone still too tired and too hungover to just hang out. When they all receive the texts from Dawn and Jill about leaving the next afternoon they all groan before heading back to the hotel to try and sleep some more. 

“Hey, do you still have my key?” Kelley asks and Tobin pulls it out of her pocket to hand it to her. “Ew no, I don’t want it back. Give me the spare to your room.”

“Why?” She asks, and both Christen and Kelley roll their eyes at her. Christen digs into her sweatshirt pocket and pulls out the key, handing it to Kelley who bounces away towards Allie. “Oh.”

“You’re cute when you’re dumb.” Christen says and Tobin snorts. 

“Thanks babe, what a compliment.” Christen throws her head back in a laugh, but slides her hand into Tobin’s as she does so. They let the rest of their teammates conversations carry over them as they walk back to the hotel, and Tobin is absurdly relieved to see Christen’s room and bed. 

“I know we kind of just figured this all out, and like the next logical step is sex,” Christen says and Tobin chokes on air, “but can we just go to sleep, I am still so hungover.”

“Yes we can go to sleep.” Tobin says, laughing, and Christen smiles sheepishly at her, before pulling them both to the bed and under the covers. She wiggles her way under Tobin’s arm and tangles their legs together, settling with her head on her chest. 

“I love you.” Christen whispers into her neck, pressing a quick kiss there, and Tobin shivers at the feeling of it. 

“I love you too.” She says, tightening her arms and squeezing Christen for a second, before relaxing and kissing the top of her head. 

For once Christen falls asleep before her, and she smiles down at her fondly before allowing sleep to pull her under as well. 


End file.
